To introduce the story I have to tell you some things about myself and where I am. Female, aged 16, location is irrelevant but I will not go into detail as I have been though a lot in the last 3 years. This is a true story, I know because I am still living it. A little personal background to start; Firstly I'm deaf, this has some bearing on my story otherwise I wouldn't tell you. Secondly I have known for a long time I prefer girls to boys, I'm gay okay - get over it. I have a steady girlfriend now and she loves me as much as I love her. Third, I am a victim. I say I'm a victim as this is the start of my story. I was raped, by someone in my family, who still has 2 years left of a 3 and a half years sentence. This destroyed my life but as I was told, life continues and the pain and memories fade away. I hoped this would happen but within the first week the nightmares started.
I would dream of the whole experience again. I lived through dreams every vivid moment of that rape, every smell, every sound, every touch for over a year with only a couple of nights respite from it. I suffered through this time from extreme paranoia, delusions bipolarism and other stuff I never told my psychiatrist about. When I was lucid before I went to bed I began to notice little things. For example, I would feel him on my bed before I went to sleep. I thought it was part of my dream but I wasn't asleep. I could have dreamed being awake but it didn't feel like that. Often I felt a buzzing like a mobile phone between my legs, touching me on my left leg and then it would go up my right leg and touch between them. I am not going to elaborate, but, it began to happen earlier and earlier sometimes even before I went to bed. I would feel it touching me in ways that weren't part of the dream. These preliminaries were just part of what I saw as the dream of me being assaulted.
This 'dream' before a dream carried on and became stronger as time went on. I found that it happened less intensely when I was with someone and I co-opted my friends to stay nights with me. When the dream started they never felt the movement and when I asked them about it they didn't remember in the early days. When I started being closer to the girl who I am now with, things started getting worse. The delusions started with a man's voice in my head. I am deaf; I cannot hear anything but I heard things in my mind. There was a voice, strong and demanding saying things to me that made me more and more manic. All of this pushed me to attempt suicide several times. The delusion was taking over my life and I had massive rows with my girlfriend. I would see out of the corner of my eye his face, the one that raped me and I would lash out.
My mom had a friend visit one day. When she signed 'hello' she stopped and looked at me and around me. Reading her lips I saw her saying that I had a strong powerful aura around me that was not mine. The aura bit took my mom to spell out and then an hour-long talk to really find out what she was talking about. This lady talked to me privately later and told me, well, wrote down that I had a strong spirit that had attached itself to me. It scared me a lot and as she explained about spirits and stuff that I didn't understand she said that some spirits like people sexually. I must have stiffened up as this pretty much ended the conversation. I think she knew I'd been raped and it was a sore subject.
I met her again a week later. This time I asked if I could talk to this spirit. She talked to me about meditation and telepathy. All of which I still think is garbage and totally weirdo but she persevered. Long story... Short version-> I concentrated and talked to it. Well I think I just repeated and said a lot of stuff in my mind. I waited, trying to silence all the people in my head. One voice refused to shut up, the man's voice. It kept on saying stuff. To be honest I was desperate and I just wanted it all to stop. I latched onto his voice and I told it to stop, to cease what it does to me every night. I told it my pain and my suffering. I told it that it was the most evil thing in the world. I felt this moment of peaceful reflection. One word landed in my head, "sorry" then "I love you." The words meant nothing to me. I felt that sorry was just another word and the idea that it loved me felt totally ridiculous. I got up and went wild, shouting and swearing at it. My mom's friend thought I'd gone crazy again. She tried to calm me but I was too far gone. Eventually when I had calmed down I promised her that I acted like that because I understood what was happening every single night. It was sorry. I hated it. I hated everyone at that moment.
Later on when I was alone in my room waiting for my girl friend to arrive I again meditated. I said in my head I demanded that it stay away from me for 14 days. It must not touch me for 14 days. If it loved me it would stay away for 14 days. I kept on repeating this. Eventually his voice said, "Fine."
It was the most glorious, relaxing and wonderful days in my life. I slept without a single dream. I existed in a world of cotton wool and primrose. I began to get a bit paranoid on the 13th day and worse on the 14th day. I felt I was going to die. But, he talked to me in a quiet moment. He said he didn't understand about sex. He said he didn't mean to hurt me only love me. He didn't know he was hurting me. He understood I had sex differently with my girlfriend and asked if I liked that. We had a conversation in my mind. I explained how I felt. While we were talking I noticed her voice changed to what it is like now, to a woman's voice just like I remembered my mom's voice. She agreed to take it slowly and we agreed ways and times she could touch me. I think once she understood how I was and how I reacted to her being a 'him' that she decided to be with me as a girl?
This was over a year ago now and the memories of those days are a little faded and totally chaotic. I cannot say that I remember anything in true detail except in the dream she persisted in hurting me with for such a long time. Joyce is the name we decided on. Joyce is an invisible person who comes with me wherever I go. She is always touching me now; usually she holds my arm, shoulder or my hand as I totally got sick of her touching me down below. She kisses me often and talks to me when I'm not thinking. She helps me write poetry and in exams she tells me some answers that she knows. She touches me sexually and I kind of like it. It's odd, she never goes into me but she straddles me and I go into her? OK, maybe that is too weird to explain or go into but, well, yeh.
She has told me that she is an incubus in the sense that she goes on top of me. I now understand her a lot more and love her so much. I still also love my girlfriend and although I don't talk to her about Joyce anymore, they are ok with each other.
Joyce is a trickster and a joker with a twisted and bizarre sense of humor but she is so sweet and loving. As ghost stories go this has a happy ending I know but I could so easily have been standing with her in spirit rather than as I still am. She still touches me where I don't want her to in public, but at least she is a girl, not a man.
I think I want to submit this to this place as I don't think that the medical professionals who still try to help me could do anything with this spirit. Organized religion is pointless as really, priests know nothing of the actual spirit world and the medical profession is totally baffled by anything that is not in the medical handbook. I was helped by a lucky chance meeting with a medium.
One last comment, if anyone decides that I was being punished for being gay or an atheist and that this is god's wrath on me? Let me ask you this - would your god because untold pain and suffering to an innocent, deaf girl who said her prayers every night and earnestly tried to be good everyday? This was me 3 years ago.
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A day!