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Ptsd... Or Something Else?

 

Let me just give a little background info for starters.

I'm an 18 year old girl, currently dealing with some heavy stuff. My Papa (grandfather) had passed away in '08 when I was 13. My father walked out on the family when I was just a few months old, so my Papa had basically raised me as his own little girl. He got sick when I was around 10 years old, and the illness he had caused a slow and painful death.

Now, I wouldn't call myself "religious" but I do like to think we go to a better place when we die and that the people who passed on watch over the people they left behind. I also believe in good and bad forces as well like guardian angels and demons that follow us through life. Anyway, this past December I was gang raped which is a terrifying, traumatic thing to survive. But I'd been devastated thinking that my Papa (who I believe watches over me) had seen the whole thing. And since then I've been diagnosed as PTSD, sometimes the symptoms include occasional panic attacks and sometimes seeing the attack over and over.

But, here's the thing. Some things that have been happening lately don't feel associated with the PTSD. Like, things that I'm afraid might be coming from a much darker place. Now, I don't really know much about demons and what could cause them to follow people. I thought maybe because technically -even though it was forced- I'd had sex. And maybe in some way that was wrong or that the men who'd did it to me were evil that maybe some dark force has latched onto me.

Lately, maybe the passed month or so I've been having trouble getting to sleep (another symptom of PTSD), but at first it was just on account of having a lot of busy thoughts, like just worrying over a bunch of little trivial things. I could easily focus on one thing and relax myself enough to sleep. Now though, I'm literally afraid to close my eyes. Every night I see myself waking up the next morning to find my brother dead, smothered in his sleep. I see my Papa's dead face and I hold his cold hand. I worry constantly that there's somebody or SOMETHING in my house. It lurks the hallways and I can practically feel its presence, like its waiting to make a move. I'm hyper-vigilant at nighttime. I started saying "God bless you and God bless everybody" when I say goodnight to my mom and brother, which is weird because like I said I'm not super religious. I say it almost like a chant of protection.

Lats night however, things took and awful turn. I couldn't turn off the TV at 11 like I usually do, so I tried to sleep with it on but I just couldn't. I put on a movie that I like as a way to comfort myself because by now this feeling that something was in the room was leaving my terrified. I had my back pressed to the wall as I tried to find a comfortable position and all of a sudden I sat right up and began crying hysterically and uncontrollably out of nowhere. I had to cover my face with my blankets so I wouldn't wake up the whole house. In a flash this huge shadow from the floor to ceiling went from one side of the room to the other and in my head all these images appeared. My Papa's dead face after he'd died, my mother going to wake my brother up for school and finding him dead, me with black eyes, me crying over my Papa's body, me being choked and held down in that basement where the rape occurred. I cried until almost 3'am and eventually dug out my old softball bat from under the bed to sleep with it.

I have no idea what had happened. What got to me most was the crying. I cried for almost three hours straight and I never cry like that, in fact I've never cried like that in my life. I do cry sometimes, like when I have a PTSD flashback. But it usually lasts a good ten minutes or so, and all I have to do is a couple of my breathing exercises and I'm good. This, was THREE HOURS, and I literally couldn't stop.

I'm literally lost as to what's happening because a lot of these things aren't like my usual symptoms at all. I hate this feeling of being watched and followed because its gone from comforting to leaving me paranoid and not wanting to be alone.

Does anybody have any idea, either of demons or bad omens or whatever may be causing this? Even just some words of comfort or advice on how to protect/comfort myself. I'm thinking of getting a rosary or something to wear around my neck. What do you think? Any and all ideas and opinions are greatly appreciated.

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The following comments are submitted by users of this site and are not official positions by yourghoststories.com. Please read our guidelines and the previous posts before posting. The author, Joelle-Marie95, has the following expectation about your feedback: I will read the comments but I won't participate in the discussion.

MariaTPhD2B (6 posts)
 
2 years ago (2015-10-15)
First, you are not crazy as this seems to be a common phenomenon with those who have survived trauma caused by another human cooperating with evil. Your experience may prompt the spirit of those who have endured trauma to reach out to you in order to both share their experiences and comfort you. It is a lot like what you have seen in this forum. Those who have had similar experiences have reached out to you. The difference here is all of these people are alive. Since no one really knows what happens after death, we can't know for sure what is happening.

However, I do believe there is also another explanation that defies logic. When a person endures a traumatic injury to their soul such as rape or childhood abuse, the soul may be given spiritual protection in order to survive the trauma. In your case, the rape was an extreme trauma to your soul which injured your dignity as a child of God. Fortunately, God doesn't leave you to the wolves, and you also become a new member of those who have also endured a similar circumstance. It, however, leaves you eternally open to being accessible to the "other side" which, at the time of your trauma, was necessary but now, seems to aggravate and initiate more fear and trauma.

I have several suggestions for help.
1. Get a St. Benedict medal. Get it blessed by a Catholic priest. It is a powerful tool.

2. Learn the prayer to Michael the Archangel for protection in battle. You will forever now be open to this and you were chosen for this duty. You can learn more about others who lived with a common situation by going here: http://www.mysticsofthechurch.com/2013/12/the-battle-for-souls-mystic-saints-vs.html

3. Learn the Rosary. This will give you immediate relief and comfort for this situation should it occur again.

4. TALK to yourself and anyone else who may be able to hear you. Talk about the experience of the rape. Talk about how you felt when it happened, what you remember and how it made you feel. If it seems no one is there with you, all the more reason to talk out loud to yourself in the mirror. The spirits you are encountering may have experienced a similar situation and simply want to share that with you in a form of comfort and healing. As psychologists, we do this for our clients to help them move past the traumatic memories into regular memories in order to extract themselves from PTSD (which it sounds like you have.) When a person goes through this type of trauma and never learns to process the memories, it leads to further complications in life. Get help from a professional.

5. If you feel your Papa is close, talk to him about it. Tell him how you feel ashamed that he may have seen it. Chances are, he was doing battle on the other side to protect you. If it happened anyway, don't worry. God knows what He is doing and He will get you to a place of healing.

6. Find a humanistic therapist if possible. They will be more receptive to the paranormal stuff. You can go to the American Psychological Association Division 32 to find a practitioner in your area. Transpersonal psychologists are also receptive to this experience.

DON'T give up and DON'T ignore it. It will only snowball and get worse if you try. Accept it is happening (as you have done) and use these tools to move through it. All crises and trauma can be used as a tool to transcend to a better version of yourself. God made you. He knows how to fix you!

God's Blessings to you!
Maria
LeavesFall (1 stories) (8 posts)
 
4 years ago (2013-08-27)
Joelle

I just want to so I am so sad that happened to you and I just hope the rest of your life is awesome. I think what you have is PTSD and I think you really need to see a therapist, and you shouldn't be ashamed, it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. It just means you need a safe place to talk about what happened. I don't know about ghosts but I definitely think you should try to get a therapist or maybe join a survivor's group. If bad things that happened are playing on a loop in your head, try to find something to distract yourself with, like a good book or a movie, or a nice dinner. Try to think of something that makes you happy or some logic that is undeniable that will help, like "I am strong". Do you have any pets? I've heard dogs can help because they listen when you talk and don't judge anything. I know I talk to my dogs all the time and they just look and listen and it makes me feel better. When I was a little girl of 11, I was bullied all the time and I thought of killing myself but I talked to my cat instead, and even though she never said a word her eyes talked me into telling my mom how I was feeling, who helped me. Animals can help sometimes in ways people can't.

You are a strong person and I know you can survive this because you were really brave to post this story. I can't begin to know what you're going through, but you are strong, that much I know.
Amihet (5 stories) (94 posts)
 
4 years ago (2013-06-12)
I also wish she would let us know as to how she is doing. The fact that she didn't mention having support from her family or friends really tore me inside. It really disturbs me when I hear of young people in their teens or younger suffering. Life becomes more complicated as we get older because we shoulder more responsibility etc. I have also been checking as well.
PinkAngel (14 posts)
+1
4 years ago (2013-06-12)
I really wish she'd come back and tell us how she is...I'm checking every day. Something about her kind of broke my heart.
mamachong (11 stories) (228 posts)
 
4 years ago (2013-06-07)
It does sound like you have PTSD. Aside from continuing to take your medications, seeing a therapist, etc, if you have a rape crisis hot line in your state, they are usually open 24 hours a day. There are also rape crisis groups. Like I said I don't know if they have that where you are but check it out.

Also, you did nothing to deserve to be raped. It is normal to see it happen over and over in your dreams, while your awake etc. Therapy, counseling groups, friends, family, all are good to talk to if you can. Something like that is tramatising.
Nathaniel (37 posts)
 
4 years ago (2013-06-06)
This sounds like a classic case of PTSD to me. I feel bad for what you went through, but I agree with others on here in that if you aren't already I counseling, then you need to find someone who can help you with this.
FattyAddie (1 stories) (11 posts)
+1
4 years ago (2013-06-05)
Joelle-Marie95,
First I want to commend you on how incredibly brave you are for putting yourself and your story out there. I know first hand how challenging and incredibly scary it can be to allow people to read what happened to you. I absolutely applaud you for taking your symptoms seriously and trying to find out what is going on. I personally have suffered PTSD myself due to something very similar to what you went through. Symptoms of PTSD can manifest themselves in so many ways, and each person may not be affected the same as the next person. I am by no means a professional, but I definitely think that what you are experiencing is due to your PTSD. If you are not already, you should really try to find a counselor, they helped me tremendously when I was having a difficult time with my PTSD. I hope the best for you, and will definitely be sending positive vibes toward you! ❤
Roosta (2 posts)
+2
4 years ago (2013-06-04)
Hi Joelle,
First of all let me just say that I am so sorry that you had to endure such a horrible attack at the hands of scum. You are far stronger than you think.
Now I am no expert on anything supernatural but from past experiences and after reading your story I'd just like to help.
I suppose I should start by providing you with a bit of background. Like most of the members of my family I was raised to have faith but was never fully religious. But our cultural background and beliefs did help mould a certain spirituality though.
From what I have been told there are certain entities in this world that can be drawn to us in our darkest times. When something horrific or terrible happens they come to torment us and drag us down further. They can feed on our misery and make us feel like we are losing our minds so that we continue to spiral down. I am not trying to compare my situation to yours but last year I was diagnosed with depression and constantly felt like they were there and they were waiting for me.
These creatures are weak and pathetic and as hard as it may sound should not be feared.
I hate to say this but their end goal is to break you down until you can't take it anymore and find an easier way out.
From what I have read in your story there is no weakness in you and I believe you have the strength to overcome them. I am not trying to push faith on you or bible bash you but God always listens and there are the Archangels that can protect us from them.
You are stronger than you know and you'll need every last ounce of it but you can get through this. Myself and I am sure a lot of other that has read your story believes in you.

Kia Kaha-Be strong.
Amihet (5 stories) (94 posts)
+1
4 years ago (2013-06-04)
Hello Joelle-Marie95, How are coping? I know that there all a lot of mean and evil people in the world, but even though we have not met you, there is a lot love expressed toward you in all of our commeents. We care, stay strong and positive.
Adriana.
zetafornow (4 stories) (447 posts)
 
4 years ago (2013-06-04)
Joelle-Marie:
Do you have a good counselor that you are seeing for your PTSD? One whom you trust and can feel at ease confiding in? I hope you do. You have been through a lot and you have all of our support as you must be able to tell through the posts. I believe also that this is all PTSD related. You are still in fear and that is giving you these horrible thoughts and visions. And as another poster explained... This is not your fault at all. You were an innocent victim. You sound as if you are a bright, intelligent young teen and I wish the best for you. But do confide in someone about these things, whether it be a physician or mother, good friend, etc.

Good luck to you, zeta.
RedWolf (28 stories) (1246 posts)
+3
4 years ago (2013-06-04)
Hello Joelle-Marie,
First of all I want to let you know how sorry I am to read what happened to you. I also must say that you are a strong person and a survivor.
From what you say these experiences happen at night. This is a time when all is quiet and you are alone with your thoughts. That three hour cry was produced from the thoughts you had prior, the last thought before the cry was about being held down and choked in that basement you were raped in. Sweetie that last thought was the actual trigger and you needed that cry even though it didn't help.
You did nothing wrong. You are a good person. I agree with everyone who commented EXCEPT for PinkElephantInTheRoom. Such a comment was uncalled for. You should talk to your counselor about this I think that s/he would agree with me that the only demon you are dealing with is the attack. If you can talk to your mother about not being able to sleep. Ask her if it is possible for you to sleep in her room maybe on a cot or in her bed with her for awhile. Keep your softball bat close by if it makes you feel better. If you have a stuffed animal sleep with that too. If you don't have a stuffed animal get one because you can carry it around the house with you to hold onto tightly when your PTSD flares up. Take Rooks advice, my favorite is the martial arts course because along with spent energy you can get some aggression out.
Right before you try to go to sleep please envision an angel folding you in it's wings to comfort and protect you. Just keep envisioning this until you fall asleep. One day when you feel better look at the angels face. It WILL be your Papa because he knows YOU did nothing wrong and he wants to protect you and comfort you.
Along with counseling please find a support group of women who have gone through what you did. This way you will find people who understand what you have/are gone/going through. I hope that they have found the men that did this terrible thing to you. If they did and are going to go on trial please summon all of your goodness and courage and testify against them. This will give you back some control in your life.
My prayers are with you and I have already sent out a prayer that you will get through this. Please keep us posted we are here for you even if this isn't a paranormal event.

Regards
Lisa
rookdygin (24 stories) (4323 posts)
+4
4 years ago (2013-06-03)
Joelle-Marie,

I have to agree with those who are saying what you are experiencing are classic symptoms of PTSD and have nothing to do with anything Paranormal let alone DEMONIC. Yes what happened to you was done by 'evil' people but that 'evil' cannot cling to you unless you 'let it'.

There are ways to enable yourself so that YOU control the PTSD and that you are not letting it control you.

I offer this as one of those 'control tools'...

Recipe for a Home Cleansing/Shielding... (allow for two or 3 days to complete)

Day one: Open all curtains window and doors with screens installed, let fresh air and sunshine into the home. Have all closets, cabinets and other 'dark spaces' open so that as much natural light as possible can enter those spaces. After 2-3 hours take a broom and 'sweep' out each room (this is symbolic and you do not have to really sweep) focus your thoughts on sweeping (pushing) out all negative energies / entities /thoughts. Close home up after completing each room of your home... Please do not forget your garage if you have one. (Optional) Light incense (sandalwood or Dragons-blood works well for me) and let aroma fill the home, and/or play a tape that contains your favorite Church/Positive, Upbeat (songs that give you good thoughts) songs before you begin sweeping.

Day two (or three): Once again open all curtains, windows and doors. Take a White candle (Optional) to the center most point of the home, sit on the floor and place candle in front of you. Light the candle (visualize a white ball of light) and then focus on the flame... Visualize the flame (white light) filled with positive thoughts, energy. (Say a prayer at this time if you so desire... Ask for cleansing positive energy to fill the candles flame/white light). Hold this 'image' in your mind and then visualize the flame (light) slowly expanding outward, visualize it filling the room your in, every corner and 'dark space'. Continue to visualize it expanding...it's outer edges pushing away (burning away) any and all negative energies/entities out and away from each room in your home. Once you have visualized this flame (light) filling your entire home, picture it expanding to your property lines. Hold this image in your mind for a few moments then visualize 'anchoring' this flame (light) where you are sitting which is the center most point of your home. Once you have done this. Take a deep breath, relax a few moments and then blow out the candle. (If you didn't use a candle just let yourself relax a moment or two.) "

Now you can create a shield for yourself using the 'home shield' technique but instead of focusing on your home visualize the 'flame' simply surrounding you instead of your home... Best time to do this is after a nice shower using a rosemary scented soap (rosemary is good for purification and protection.)

I offer this hoping that if you use it it will grant you some piece of mind allowing you to relax and get some sleep as Lack of Sleep and PTSD can be a very bad combination. I hope this helps you.

Other tools you may try (or may already be using) are, Journals, Group Meetings, Painting/Drawing, Martial Arts or other forms of exercise. Please try not to jump to paranormal reasons when there are so many other emotions/stressors going on in your life at this time.

Respectfully,

Rook

To Whom It May Concern,

I may not be on as often as I was before June began, But I'm not gone... Far from it. 😉

This comment from PinkElephantInTheRoom is hidden due to low rating. Show comment

Raftingirl (2 stories) (113 posts)
+2
4 years ago (2013-06-03)
Joelle-Marie, I'm so sorry to hear what you have been through. You sound very brave.

I also agree with another poster about the medications your therapist might have prescribed.

I went through the same thing many years ago. I never went for therapy, but me and my boyfriend did see the ghost of one of the attackers one night. Thank god it was only the one time, and that he was dead. It took a long time to get over it, but you can. I was your age as well, and I know you can do it. Don't let the scary stuff get to you. You are safe now.

If you really think there is some lingering malevolence around you, I'd recommend you reach out to Rookdygin for his cleansing, he's on this site. I personally believe it works more for a person than the house, but it might help, if you are troubled either way.

In any case, stay strong. Blessings to you ❤ ❤ ❤ Sue
PinkAngel (14 posts)
+5
4 years ago (2013-06-03)
Joelle-Marie, you sound like such a sweet, sensitive girl, and I'm sending you all my love, most importantly! It sounds like you have a lot to deal with. First of all drop the idea completely that you've been somehow stained or were part of something evil. YES, it was an awful, terrible thing what those men did to you, but forget "technicalities"- you did not have sex with them! You were violated, and you had no part in it! Nothing bad can rub off from one person to another. (and besides that, sex isn't evil, but like I said, that's another story and has nothing to do with YOU. If you never had sex before, you're STILL a virgin!) You really need to go to a rape crisis center and completely let go of any guilt you may have, consciously or subconsciously. You may not even be aware that you have some kind of guilt feelings. And blaming yourself in any way for something so terrible as a gang rape can result in all kinds of psychological symptoms, including sensory hallucinations. (Hallucinations can also be felt, not only seen- and they're not real, as real as they seem!) Your Papa is in a completely different state of mind now; people on the other side see things differently from when they were in this dimension, so you have to stop thinking that he "saw" what happened to you. He knows, and I'm SURE he did his best to protect you as well as he could, but you can be sure that what he wants most of all now is for you to let go of the experience and feel good again. He loves you more than ever! Get therapy, preferably with a female therapist, and don't be afraid if you're prescribed a mild tranquilizer- that's what they're there for, they're medicine, despite the bad reputation they've gotten. Anti- depressants and tranquilizers got me over the worst, traumatic times in my life. But from what I read, I think what you need most of all is someone you trust who you can talk to. These times WILL pass and the sun WILL come out again, and you'll be proud of yourself for having gotten through it all. Demons only exist if you believe in them- laugh them off and feel all the love that surrounds you. I'm sending you a million hugs, and whenever you feel afraid, just think of me holding you and I'll be THERE! I promise!
Vonboeckmann (guest)
+4
4 years ago (2013-06-03)
Hi joelle Marie 95. You are not bad what they did to you was bad. You were the victim and now a survivor. Classic symptoms of PTSD. Might be adverse reaction of any medication you have been perscribed. Just a thought. You will get through this. Day b-day it is a long journey but you will get stronger. Keep your family close they are hurting too. Confide in your therapist. Imagine you are asleep in your grandfather's arms safe like a child. He is with you to give you comfort. Our loved ones never leave us. Trust in our good Lord you are protected from evil. I have personal experiencewith PTSD. I can not talk of the circumstances I am alive. CBT can assist. Give your mind and your body time. You are a brave girl. Blessings J ❤
BadJuuJuu (13 stories) (1034 posts)
+7
4 years ago (2013-06-03)
The severity of PTSD symptoms can change over time. I think you should sit down with your therapist, tell him/her everything you are currently experiencing, and get a professional take on it. What you're describing sounds fairly normal after what you've been through, and a therapist will likely be your best option. Keep strong, and live life one day at a time. Best wishes.
Gman5338 (1 posts)
+3
4 years ago (2013-06-02)
Joelle,

I too have PTSD, but mine is combat related... Three tours in Afghanistan, plus six years as a cop.

Anyways for the most part, what you're going through is normal PTSD sheet.

Some of it though, I can t explain away. I too have experienced some odd stuff since noticing I was dealing with PTSD. Objects moving, objects dissapearing only to reappear in a place I checked many times before... The list goes on.

Anyways, you're going through some normal and abnormal stuff -but by far more normal-

If you have questions about PTSD and what you're dealing with, just message me. I don't mind sharing my experiences with a fellow PTSD patient.

Cheers!
Amihet (5 stories) (94 posts)
+3
4 years ago (2013-06-02)
Dear Joelle-Marie95: My goodness, you are going through such an awful and trying time. My daughter is your age and it would kill me if she was gang raped. You are aware of your post-tramatic stress syndrome and the symptoms of it. If you haven't found a therapist, please seek one now. What happened to you being raped IS NOT YOUR FAULT and you are not responsible for it in any way shape or form. Sometimes such traumatic events can play games with our heads and deep rooted fears can arise or manifest in our environment. I am sorry that you lost your beloved grandfather and take comfort that he is watching over you. Keep praying for protection and don't be afraid of what you sense because it could be related to the pain and fear that you feel due to your father abandoning you, your grandfather dying and that horrible rape. Or it could be supernatural only time will tell. Please talk to your mother, you need the support of your family, friends, teachers and a good therapist. You sound like you are a strong girl, a survivor, because I know women twice your age would fall to pieces. I became more spiritual after experiencing the paranormal in my home. I pray out loud and I am not afraid of who or what could be here, because if God is on our side who can come against us? NO ONE. Trust in God and trust in yourself. I also lost my parents 2 years ago, five weeks apart to cancer. My father's death was slow and painful and it tore me apart so I know what it is like to watch someone that we love die. Please stay strong, keep us posted and there are a lot of members on this site that can offer you good sound advise concerning the paranormal. I am new at this and I am learning as I go. Take care, I will pray for you and please find and seek support. Adriana.
AussieChick95 (10 stories) (40 posts)
+2
4 years ago (2013-06-02)
Hello Joelle-Marie95,
When I feel unsafe and cannot sleep, I lay in bed with pillows either side of me so I feel protected then I close my eyes and pray, but I talk to God as though he is sitting next to me. (I'm Christian by the way) I realize not being religious this may seem silly, but it honestly calms me down and I end up sleeping. My Dad used to tell me when I was little that there are 4 angles on each corner of our house protecting us from anything bad. I used to say that before I went to bed as well.

I also used to suffer as a small child of night terrors and I would always see a woman in white at the end of my bed. She would come every night and watch me.
My mother told me to tell it to leave in the name of Jesus and that it wasn't welcome in our home. I did it and it left only returning once, when I did the same thing and I never saw it again.
I know it may seem weird, but I believe from the sounds of your story your at your wits end and willing to try anything. I truly hope it works and you find peace with your sleeping.
Best of luck
- Alexandra xox

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