Anguish

Since it is pertinent to my experience I must share some personal themes.

My husband and I were married December 2001. We waited a whole year to decide to try for a child. At this point I was already 29, so better now. Well, we had a hard time conceiving. When I did get positive results I always miscarried very early. I went to the doctor's, specialists, had medical tests and all of that.

Once it became clear that it wasn't happening I suggested we started the adoption process. The adoption process is a challenging time. Reams of paper work. Reams of character references. Criminal Record Checks. Medical check ups. Courses. Inspection of our home. It took just over a year until we were even eligible to adopt.

I am trying to paint a picture of the length of time and work we put into trying to become parents. It wasn't coming easy to us and it wasn't nearly as fun as it could be.

Once the adoption business side of things were done, we waited. Possibilities came and went. Here in our part of the world, the birth mothers choose the parents that their child will go to. Years later in 2007, we finally got the call. We were picked by a birth mom! We met her a few times. Exchanged letters. Made plans.

She went into labour and we did the near 8 hour drive to her town. We met the perfect baby, talked with the mom, nurses, social worker. Even talked with the grandmother and the birth father. Things were a bit icy and awkward but we were excited.

We got a call from the social worker the next morning as we were in a hotel. We were to pick up the baby the next day. She said the birth father refused to sign his child over (mostly based on our race, but that is another discussion). The social worker insisted we take the baby. I was terrified and already had a huge cry over the situation. I felt that this experience was headed for disaster.

We had the baby for nearly a full month. Anyone who has cared for a new born knows that everything in life now revolves around this new life. Nearly a whole month. Then we got a call. The mother had changed her mind. Our baby was being taken away from us.

I was absolutely devastated. I couldn't finish the phone call. I dropped the phone. I was hyperventilating. Screaming. Crying. The social worker kept talking and talking. My husband took the line. Somehow I ended up on the other side of the house on the floor sobbing and crying. I just kept chanting I can't, I can't, I can't. I was hysterical.

And suddenly I felt someone lift me up into a sitting position. I looked up and my husband was a good five feet away from me still on the phone. I literally felt someone holding me. I wasn't scared but I was shocked into silence. Then I heard a voice say, "You can."

We did. We had to. It was the law. It hurt so much. It is now 2015 and I still think of that little one every freaking day.

And one year later we had our own miracle baby.