In my first story (Under Edinburgh), I gave a brief description of the illness from which I suffer. For you to analyse this story fully, I feel that I need to give you a deeper understanding of my health problems, so please bear with me.
At 13 I started suffering from depression after my parents had a very nasty break up. It went untreated for a very long time and as a result it worsened. At 17 I suffered a full mental break down, for 10 weeks I had to be fed, given water, etc. I just could not function by myself. As mentioned in 'Under Edinburgh', by 19 I was suffering with psychotic depression. To explain this in more detail, I suffer from severe clinical depression with psychotic symptoms and suicidal impulses. I hope this explains my illness; however, I am more than happy to answer questions.
I had just started at a new university, I had arrived with 2 friends, so I wasn't totally alone, but I still found the experience stressful. Stress always makes my psychotic symptoms flair up with paranoia being the first symptom to come out and play! I was making friends but when the paranoia started, I was convinced they were out to kill me, I was so wrapped up in this that I even dreamt about it. I was losing control so my doctor (a great doctor, he tried to avoid drugging me up to my eyeballs and also got me therapy) placed me on some anti-depressants. That seemed to be working for a little while but then things started getting worse again.
Things came to a head one night in December 2014. I was invited to a Christmas party, held at the house of one of my new uni friends. This was the first time I had hung out with my classmates out of class. This may sound out but I was based an hour and a half away from my campus, so I only made the effort for lectures... If that! I was drinking, despite the fact I knew I shouldn't, alcohol and my meds do not mix! I was drinking to cope with the situation and the deal with the fact the others were drunk. It is hard being the only sober one, plus I have next to no self-control (seriously, get me at an all you can eat buffet and you'll see what I mean!).
As I drank, I became more and more violent, that'll be the whole don't mix these meds with alcohol thing that I choose to ignore! Long story short, I tried to wrestle everybody to assert myself as the strongest and therefore most dominant, because that's how things work, right? Well, obviously not drunk me! The next morning, I awoke feeling so remorseful and ill that I wanted to die. That may seem a little extreme, but you have to remember that my mind does not function as it should, it was the only solution that it would suggest. I had hurt my friends, I must die.
I had shared a room with my friend that night in a house that our host had made up for her guests. She ran a holiday camp sort of place with her boyfriend and his parents. When everybody else staying in the guest house had gone over for breakfast in the main house, I dressed and walk out the door, still intent on dying. I disappeared into the nearby forest, nobody saw me leave. I found a secluded sheltered spot into the woods beside the river and fell to my knees weeping. I lay on the floor beside the river and it started to snow. I just laid there, in my numbed brain, if I did not move and was buried in snow, surely I would die of exposure at some point (the wimp's way out).
Laying in the snow awaiting my death I suddenly heard a voice calling my name. I didn't recognise the voice, it was definitely nobody I knew, so I strained my ears to see if it would call again, just trying to work out who it was. Again the voice called me, it was coming from the direction of the camp. I tried to ignore it and just continued to lay on the floor. But the voice kept calling, it had an almost hypnotic quality to it, very commanding. I found that I could not resist the urge to follow the voice anymore, even though I really did not want to! Slowly, in a trance, I made my way back towards the voice, it led me back to the house where everybody was frantically searching for me. I was covered in snow and shaking from the cold but I was safe.
To this day I still do not recognise that voice, I cannot place it. Some have suggested it was a guardian angel who wanted to stop me from doing something silly. Others have suggested that my own mind caused the voice to occur as a means of stopping myself or that I didn't really want to die so the voice manifested as my get out of jail free card. I would really value your opinions, thank you.
I understand what your going through. Depression at that level is definitely a hard thing to battle. And like Mazz stated, I to am thankful your doctor doesn't drug you up the way they could and often do.
My heart broke for you when I began to read this.
Your experiences all to familiar with mine.
The voice calling out to you
could very well have been a guardian angel, and or guide.
My belief is theyre here to help you, when the time is needed, and they look over you. Suicide many believe is a selfish act, but personally I believe it has to do with so many other factors. That we from the outside looking in can only begin to understand.
My mother suffers from depression,compulsion,and suicidal tendencies. She in fact almost,succeeded.
And that is in another, posting of mine on my profile.
I'm not sure what your beliefs are, and I'm not trying to press that onto you.
I hope you stay strong, continue to flourish in your daily life, and know that you are loved.
Don't give up!
Thank you for sharing
Lots of love