What Am I

It's been awhile since I last visited this page.

Let me start by asking what I am, or rather, who I am suppose to be. You see, the last year has been a year of self reflection. Needless to say the more I learned about myself, the more questions arise.

For as long as I can remember, I've always been a little different. I use to associate this with being adopted, and in being so I'm more empathetic than the average person.

But, lately in beginning to think there is more to it than that.

I am not suppose to be alive. At birth, I essentially died grasping for air, struggling with the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck. My face purple, swollen from the lack of oxygen, my body stiff. I have always been told I'm a fighter.

A few years ago, I died. Body seized, cold and heart stopped. Flatlined... For 2 minutes.

I do not recall a light, nor do I recall hearing voices as I often hear from those with near death experiences. Maybe because I actually died? What I do remember is the feeling of peace. Peace with the muted world around me, with my life. A feeling of euphoria that is ever so fleeting. I miss it every day.

It is easy for me to pick up on people's emotions. As easily, I can manipulate. I've hurt many people in the past because of this. And just as easily, I can feel as clear as I can see.

Believe me when I tell you, if you're ever feel like youre being watched, it's a good chance you are. If you're ever feeling like you're not alone, more likely than not you aren't.

I have vivid dreams of deceased family and friends. In one extreme was a dream of my then girlfriend's father. I haven't the pleasantries of meeting the man nor seen a picture of him. She never really spoke of him much, other than to say she misses him.

I was sleeping over because the night before she had an experience with sleep paralysis. She wasn't able to move her body and felt as though someone was on top of her so she asked me to come over the next night. As I was drifting off there was a woosh right before I entered REM. I was in a restaurant, sitting with a gentlemen dressed in grey slacks, grey sports jacket with hair grey and parted under his hat. We were sitting at a white table for two and he handed me a chicken drumstick. We didn't speak we just sat at the table staring out the restaurant through the glass onto the busy Chinatown streets.

I woke up the next morning with my girlfriend asking me to take her get some chicken for lunch. That weirded me out, so I told her about my dream and she looked at me with tears in her eyes, got up and showed me a picture of herself as a five year old with the man in my dream. He always took her to get drumsticks Saturday mornings.

Another significant dream I had occurred a few weeks ago. My grandfather passed away when I was 9, he visits me occasionally in my dreams. Each visit after would give me a fever for a few days to a week. And my little cousin who drowned a few years back, visits me a couple times a year, leaves no ill effects afterwards. My uncle, murdered a year prior to my cousins drowning visited me 3 times and like my cousin will not have an ill effect.

This time was different. I dreamt I was swimming, and suddenly there was a tugging on my leg. Shocked I looked down the crystal blue lake to see both my cousin and uncle grabbing on to it. We locked eyes and they began to drag and pull. I kicked and screamed trying to stay afloat. Struggling with everything I had. My fiance heard me screaming in my sleep and felt me kicking and squirming. She threw off our blanket and began to shake me to wake me up. I was trembling with both fear and the sheer cold from the water in my dreams. Goosebumps covered my body, shivering and shaking uncontrollably. I woke up, in utter pain and cold. My leg was cramping, I told my fiance... My leg it's cramping, my words coming out stuttered from the cold. She turned on the lights to look at my leg and slowly she saw bruising as if my leg was grabbed. She freaked out and screamed out your leg is bruised wtf. I looked down still shaking and sure enough saw hand prints correlating to my dream.

All my life I have dreams. I can easily feel what others feel, and the feelings effecting my own. I've been told it's a gift by our shaman. Death made me more in tuned with the spirits of the dead and,living. To me though, it's a burden...

Again I ask what am I, who am I suppose to be. I've been called the devil by families and experience girlfriends. I've also been called gifted.