Being new to this forum, I thought I would fill you in on my story. I must warn you that it is somewhat long, but this is essential for you to understand and possibly help me.
I was blessed with life in 1976, by a miracle. My mother suffered cancer in the uterus years before and was told that she was not able to have any more children. At the time of my birth, the technical evolution wasn't as great as it is now. The doctors at the hospital had a hard time detecting life and I was born via an emergency caesarean section. Needless to say, they were wrong, I lived. I remember having a "guide" in my early years, which would explain the circumstances of things. This guide turned me more and more on to a hateful existence. Although I was born Christian, the belief never settled with me and when I was 10 years I denied Christ and dammed his existence. This happened after I tried to pray frequently to find some sort of help to relieve me from this guide. When I told my mother, she was heartbroken and warned me that I should not question the existence of the lord. Through my life, I have indulged in lust and sin. I never had problems in finding and attracting women and would often only need to glance at them, before they eventually shared my bed. I felt a power that surrounded me from the guide and had come to terms with its presence - however it was not God.
The problem is, that reality slowly but surely stepped in. I have an ambivalent relationship with the darkness. Throughout my life, I always knew that there was something in the dark inviting me, but also that it made my hairs stand on end. I worked various places mostly odd jobs, between studies and one time I was a night security officer at a university facility. Maybe because of my senses I was more in tune with the dark (when I say dark, I mean the shadows and dark places not lid by light). Things happened that weren't supposed to happen. Frequently I felt a presence brush me, as someone was rushing by in a great hurry. Light would be on in areas, that I just passed and that I knew was off before. Areas that had alarms activated. Noises could be heard from different levels in the building - again, no one was there... The alarm was on, and I was the only one in the building.
I picked up a spirit, as I believe, not one that I could see, but one that I could sense ever so strongly - it became apparent that the guide came from the dark. At that time, I had a girlfriend and her sister came over to visit. Even though I hadn't mentioned anything, the sister sensed a presence in the apartment. Whenever my girlfriend didn't stay overnight, I would barricade the doors to my bedroom, because the sense of something utterly evil was lurking in the hall. I knew that the presence had the most evil intentions, something I had never felt before. My barricades were useless and I often found them removed in the morning. My girlfriend gave me a fish tank and we bought several fish to keep in the tank. The tank was setup in the hall. After one night of the usual barricade I found the fish spread out thought the hall. The tank had a cover piece and the fish could not escape - but they did.
My girlfriend and I moved in together in a house and my nightly terrors increased. I had no memory of doing it, but my girlfriend would often, wake me up. Me, standing in the middle of the floor, facing the hall and sometimes walking towards it. When, awoken, I feared the hall and would never dream of entering it at night, but my other "side"/when dreaming, had a different motive.
These occurrences stopped when we changed sides in the bed... But another thing began to present itself. I started to fondle my girlfriend (both in our sleep) and usually I would wake up around 3 o clock, only to find myself in the middle of mounting her. The unusual thing is, that she is a very light sleeper, and would wake up for nothing. But during this, she didn't move. She knew what I was doing, but thought she was dreaming or couldn't move. Whenever we would sit down and eat dinner, the light chandelier above would dim down, by itself, only to light up again. Constantly there would be noises coming from the outside of our windows at night, as if, someone was trying to get in, yet no one was ever there. The showerhead would start to drip, even though I was certain I turned if off. All this eventually caused our relationship to end.
I have developed a fear of the dark now and constantly look over my shoulder. I may sound like a coward, but after I had a taste of what is in the darkness, I can only fear what would happen if I allowed it to embrace me. This is evil like no words can describe. This is beyond anything ever imaginable.
I have started praying lately (because I was not brought up as a strict Christian, I find it difficult to remember praying right) and I have begun to fear that my past denial of Christ and wrongdoings has led to the unpleasant presence. I fear that there is no redemption for me and that I might go to hell. I'm not trying to switch this onto a religious thing, but even in my prayers I have not found consolation - just silence. I actually do believe in God but I fear that it is not enough in my case.
I cannot explain why I am drawing this presence to me, when I so clearly do not want it. I desperately need purification and information. Perhaps you would have an idea?