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When Evil Is Your Salvation

 

I'm going to start this back in January 2019. That isn't the true beginning of it, but when it became very apparent that something was not right with me, and I was becoming more depressed. Normally, I can pinpoint a reason for any down mood and work my way back from it, but this time was different. I'm not sure I can aptly explain it, but the cause wasn't coming to me from the physical or spiritual planes, in other words not something I was picking up from a past event or someone close to me (empathy) or from an event in my life (like someone dying, or loosing a job) but there I was tottering on the brink of that infamous rabbit hole, without rhyme or reason, and no amount of shielding was helping. In March I visited my doctor, who did a full blood panel. Result: I was 'dangerously low' on vitamin D.

I know, right? Sounds silly that a basic vitamin could be playing havoc with my mood. However, it is one that reacts like a hormone and affects everything from your immune system, to emotions. One of the symptoms is depression. Couple that with negativity at work, and at home emanating from the roommate -recipe for disaster. I didn't expect miraculous results - as in over night, but thought 'AHA! There's the reason!' I was wrong. Over the following months it became worse.

I've spoken of my roommate before, and there was an almost tangible shift in him. He became increasingly secretive, and more prone to tantrums, which often turned violent. His 'disabilities' were rapidly becoming excuses for not doing anything he didn't want to do, including basic hygiene (which he blamed on his weight, claiming he had great difficulty and couldn't climb into the shower/tub, however he had no problems if he was going out...) He became quite slovenly, to the point I stopped having even the occasional friend in for coffee after work, as I didn't know what we'd be walking in on. Somedays, it was literally trash everywhere, even on the furniture, which he had basically broken by plopping down on it instead of sitting, or with an explosive act of rage - that even the most innocent comment might trigger. I won't delve into the details, but things were definitely not good. It was as if the last 10 years of growth he had gone through never happened, even the social graces I had taught him went out the window.

I tried to 'read' him and saw blackness and felt almost ill. Whatever he was up to was bad, real bad. It saddened me that I was probably going to have to throw in the towel and advise his State Guardian, that he might need institutionalized, given that he was failing to care for himself, and the out bursts becoming a bit of a threat to my safety.

Both his Guardian and I searched for doctors that would take his state insurance, and then came the battle to make him continue seeing them.

I know what you're thinking - none of this is paranormal, it is however the ground work for what happened to make sense.

It was November of that year, and that old rabbit hole had become even deeper. I took no joy in anything any more. My world had become a dark abyss, age old personal demons raising their heads and stirring.

This particular afternoon wasn't even as bad as most of them had gotten to be. I was off work, in my jammies, sipping a soda pop in front of my computer, trying to talk myself up (sometimes in life you just have to be your own cheerleader) when from the direction of my closet a voice spoke. A voice I knew all too well. It was my father's voice intoning that horrid laundry list of my faults and failures, just as he did when alive. I sat there and took it. Just as I did all those years of growing up. I was devil spawn and worthless. No one could love me, not even God. I should do the world a favor and kill myself. I was just wasting space and no one would miss me... I felt myself nodding agreement as I began to think that maybe he was right. I want to be clear, I was hearing him with my ears and not inside my head.

I don't really understand what happened next, only that quite suddenly I felt as if I had been struck in my chest by a charge. My hands flew up to cover my ears, even as my head raised and I stared at the closet space. I heard myself speaking, "Shut up! Shut up! You're dead and gone and can't hurt any one any more. You couldn't break me then and you won't now!" I was shaking, and that charge in my chest area seemed to be pulsating strength into me. Silence. Blissful silence.

Now, I don't claim to know a heck of a lot of things, but I do know that when you start hearing voices telling you to hurt yourself or others and you come even remotely close to listening to them, it's time to call in the cavalry. Doesn't matter where you think the voice came from.

I went for an evaluation. Being truthful about the whole thing was really hard, but you can't expect solid help with half truths. I knew/feared it could mean being admitted for a bit (I wasn't), but better that then dead. I just didn't want to be on a bunch of drugs. I wanted my joy back. I was diagnosed with PTSD and depression, and see Dr. G weekly. I'm getting stronger, and the rabbit hole is getting shallower.

January 2020: I'm not at liberty to give many details on this, but it is pivotal to my account. The darkness from the roommate was enough that I often felt ill just being in the same room as him, and avoided touching anything even around him as much as possible. The images that I'd get were too disturbing. I had warning visions and dreams concerning him. I strengthened my shields as much as possible; I didn't want to believe what I 'seeing', and blamed my depression for a large part of it. I wasn't 'well' yet, and my psyche was coloring it darker than it was. Oh, I so wanted to be wrong - but I wasn't. Second week in January the cops showed up with a search warrant, and that was the end of my roommate.

My landlord worried about what it would do to my financial dynamics. I told him I would probably get another roommate, but first I wanted to take advantage and overhaul the apartment (paint it, replace the busted furniture, etc.) He was quite amiable on it and asked how long I thought it might take. Dr. G placed me with a case worker that specializes in such cases; helping others get the help they need. The roommate's room is just down right nasty. I curse myself for respecting privacy so dang much. It's so bad, I even turn down the caseworker's offer of help to clean it.

During this time the ghosties started waking up. Small happenings, but helpful. I have to admit, I kind of missed them.

March: Covid strikes and I get laid off. I also figure a new roomie at this time was not the wisest move, besides I'm still trying to get the apartment back in order, and with finances being tight, it's quite the challenge.

April-October: This is a compilation of activity in those months. My landlord decided to renovate my kitchen. Cabinets, counters, sink, floor - even a new LED light fixture! Now, I had planned to paint the kitchen, and I knew the ghosties agreed because items were getting removed from the walls without my touching them. Example: I had one of those expandable racks with pegs (looks like a bunch of exes) on the wall holding coffee mugs. It's hung there close to 18 years with no problems. I came out one day to find it and the mugs carefully laid on the counter.

Bathroom: there's this UGLY long towel rack spanning the far wall - I've always disliked it, as it's in the most illogical place - clear across from the facilities. I decided it had to come down. It was there prior to my moving in, and I think it dates back to the 70s, since no one ever removed it, but painted around it, it was now part of the wall. A real bugger to get off - actually took part of the wall. I'm staring at it and hear a male voice say "Got (word I didn't catch) putty?"

A bit later I'm wondering out loud if I should paint the cabinet as well, and hear the same male say, "I would."

Living Room: I'm up on the small ladder when it wobbles, and suddenly stops as if steadied. Male voice "Careful - I got you."

Now I'm working on my bedroom. Some day I'll tell you all how much I HATE painting ceilings! Especially here, where they are geometrical nightmares. Lol

I won't lie, there are times this all seems a bit over-whelming, especially since work seems postponed indefinitely. Now and then, I'll feel a pat on my shoulder or an one armed hug. I'll hear someone walking around. I've furniture I've been waiting on since August, very frustrating. One day I was bemoaning the fact, semi-out loud, when I heard a voice say, "How many chairs can you sit on at once?" It made me smile a bit. "Smarty,' I murmured to the air. Right though, I can only sit one place at a time.

November, a year since I had scraped bottom, and I've been wondering. If my father had not spoken to me so, given the downward spiral I had taken, and the events that followed, would I have had the safety net of support that I've so desperately needed? Would I have kept my own council and simply bulldogged my way through, and remained miserable? My dad always knew that gotten mad enough I'd fight back, and if scared enough I'd ask for help. Maybe, just maybe what I saw as evil, was intended as my salvation from myself.

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valkricry (47 stories) (3143 posts) mod
+1
2 months ago (2021-02-27)
Hi,Rajine,
I think the company he kept had a lot to do with it. After he was gone I found some disturbing things related to hard core drugs. Which would help explain some of his irrational behavior. Personally I think negative attitudes and behaviors attract negativity.
Rajine (14 stories) (161 posts)
 
2 months ago (2021-02-26)
The saying, cleanliness is next to godliness is what kept going through my mind in the first half of your narrative, evil as far as I know is attracted to dirt and untidy people, do you think that your roommates behavior is because his untidiness attracted some sort of negative energy?

I liked the part where you heard the voice of the guy saying he got you, when the ladder you on starts to wobble, I think he's a good spirit.
MysticFrance (5 stories) (94 posts)
+2
3 months ago (2021-02-02)
Oh, good to hear that. I could imagine the feeling of "not being able to breathe and move a lot" in your own place. Sometimes even if there aren't really furniture removed, I feel good without the negative vibes. Yeah, I heard about the new strain of COVID. It's known here in my country as UK variant. Will include you in my prayers. ❤
valkricry (47 stories) (3143 posts) mod
+2
3 months ago (2021-02-01)
MysticFrance, "The past year was really tough for everyone." Amen to that. This new strain of Covid seems to be making sure that '21 won't be much better; at least not for awhile. (My state is severely impacted.)
Personally though, I'm doing better. Still waiting on furniture-the upside to that is the lack of it sure makes the rooms feel more spacious. 😉 The over all feel to the apartment has changed; much lighter, and calmer, and that old rabbit hole is getting shallower all the time.
MysticFrance (5 stories) (94 posts)
+2
3 months ago (2021-02-01)
Hi Val. I hope you are much better now. Thanks for sharing this story. The past year was really tough for everyone. Take care x
valkricry (47 stories) (3143 posts) mod
+2
3 months ago (2021-01-06)
Augusta,
I'm so sorry you experienced that. I agree, I think COVID has produced what we use to call cabin-fever in a great many people, making them prone to aggressiveness and being well a bit of the not good crazy. (Gads, what did our great-greats do pre-radio days to battle this?) I also think we're seeing the masks people wear slip much more often.
I guess about all we can do (besides pray) is dump as much sugar as we can onto our little corners of the planet, and hope that life gets sweeter for all.
AugustaM (6 stories) (994 posts)
+4
3 months ago (2021-01-06)
Your account really resonated with me - particularly the way you put things together at the end - I think you are right in your conclusions. I have my own battles with depression and certainly all that 2020 had to offer didn't help one bit! COVID has effected us all in more ways than may be obvious... And I'm afraid many of its effects may linger with us for some time to come. My husband and I have been fortunate in that we have never been personally exposed to the virus (*knock wood*) and have not lost anyone too it (*double knock*) though most of his family has come down with it and several of our close friends.

But that's not to say that we haven't had friends "lost to COVID" - it's a kind of madness that sets in and I think it was at its worst during the lock down - but several of our friends went from being pleasant kind people that we shared everything with to spiteful hurtful enemies... And the change would happen with lightening quickness, one day we would all be laughing over (socially distanced) coffee, the next they'd be hollering vitriol and gone from our lives. It's shocking to say the least.

To your point about something that seemed evil at the time actually circling round to be an agent of good in your life, I've had a similar experience during this "time of plague." *TRIGGER WARNING: I do mention some light substance use here - I don't mean to promote anything and I won't be going into detail about that side of things only what is strictly germane to the experience.* I had done something extremely out of character but something I had been very curious about for years and tried an hallucinogenic substance (I won't go into details about what but it was organic and, not to worry, I am neither promoting drugs nor developing a habit) because it has been said to treat depression (I did my research in medical journals and with certain more open minded doctors not just woo-woo web pages). Granted, I understand that anything one sees while under the influence of any chemical agent should be taken with a grain of salt but cultures all around the world have used them to get in touch with the spirit realm so I don't think we should necessarily discount these "visions" out of hand either. To that end, I did not feel it would be wise to try anything of the sort on my own - my friend, Linda, who shared my curiosity volunteered to sit with me while I gave it a whirl. One thing that I had been warned about was that faces might change on me and possibly in alarming ways.

So I ingested the substance and laid back on the couch as ready as I could be. Aside from various non-probative effects, there were two striking things I experienced. First, as I lay there, I heard her front door open (this is a VERY small apartment ~700 square feet - the front door was but feet from my head though not in my line of sight) - though I somehow knew it hadn't actually moved - I heard and felt someone cross the space to stand beside the couch just over my head and my grandfather's voice say "It's ok, we're here" and then my grandmother's humming (they both passed when I was very young). Moments later as I looked around the room trying to see if anything in my sight was "changing" and not finding anything that was... My eyes landed on Linda's face... That was the only thing that changed... Her face morphed and became demonic. I looked away and did not look back until I was sure the substance had cleared my system.

I didn't tell her about her face changing because I didn't want to read anything into it at the time and didn't want to offend her in any way. Fast forward to the next week, she had come to my building for a friend's birthday party (we had it outside in a big field so we could all be sort of together but still safe) that I was hosting. Within moments of arriving, it was as if a switch had flipped, she started going off about my family tree and ancestors and that I should be ashamed of them and that I shouldn't love my family... It was bizarre and barely coherent but for the profanities. She was practically foaming at the mouth. My husband (who is very non-confrontational and level headed) finally stepped in and quietly told her that she needed to go. Linda is not a drug user or even much of a drinker - only her own "demons" and the heavy weight of the lock down could account for her behavior. I was so mystified and upset (and deeply embarrassed that she had behaved that way in front of everyone) that I needed to go upstairs to our apartment for a moment to collect myself. As I did, the change in her face came back to my memory... Paired with my grandparents' presence... I think it was more than an hallucination but a warning. Something that seemed frightening was perhaps presented that way to get my attention and let me know that someone I had invited into my life wasn't the person I thought she was.

Gosh - I truly didn't intend that to be so long. I don't mean to hijack your account - it's just that the two experiences seemed so similar that I couldn't not bring it up.

I am so glad that life is gradually looking up for you - we'll get through this! ❤
Sleeping-with-steve (8 stories) (504 posts)
 
4 months ago (2020-12-21)
Good morning Valkricry,

It's 6:16am and I'm heading out with my little fox terrier for a walk.

Cappuccino at the beach after walkies.☕
There's a new strain of Covid19 that has surfaced and apparently it's deadlier.

I can't upvote you because it says, 'please vote for someone else'.😕

Chat again soon.
SWS 😘 ❤
valkricry (47 stories) (3143 posts) mod
+2
4 months ago (2020-12-21)
Morning, SWS☕ or whatever time it is there 🤔
Very true, this virus is harsh on everyone, and not just those who catch it, either. It seems to have tainted everything... Scary is that it is global.
Sleeping-with-steve (8 stories) (504 posts)
 
4 months ago (2020-12-21)
Hello Valkricry,
Thank you for your response. With everything that's going on it's probably the last thing on your mind. It just goes to show that you are polite, and care about people which is a beautiful characteristic.

I'm sorry to hear that you've been laid off until February. Covid19 is making it very hard for everyone worldwide. Now that vaccines are surfacing, perhaps things will improve.

Look after yourself and email me anytime if you need to chat. 🤗

Best wishes,
Miandra/SWS 😘 ❤
valkricry (47 stories) (3143 posts) mod
+2
4 months ago (2020-12-20)
Rex, It didn't 'feel' like my older brother steadying the ladder. It did sound like the voice I've been hearing during the renos though. A bit of a Brit accent. Although R use to sometimes use one, he sounded more Aussie. 🤔 I think this one belongs to the house though. I've heard him before, and even saw him once. At least I think was him. Seems to take a keen interest in the changes.
However, that charge I felt giving me the strength back to tell my Dad off - that well could have been my siblings' strength.
Merry Christmas to you all!
valkricry (47 stories) (3143 posts) mod
+2
4 months ago (2020-12-20)
Morri - thank you so much for including me in your ritual. I really do appreciate it.
Miranda, not sure I consider myself brave, but I do consider myself hugged.😊 I was so sure I had laid the past with my dad to rest, and this came from left field as it were. Looking back on it, I do wonder if it had been intended as a kindness of sorts. It did set up my having help I needed in the very near future. Not just the emotional support, but physical/goods aid. It gets really rough when all the bills are suddenly doubled, then add this virus in... I just got word we're laid off until at least February. However, I still have it better than many others.
Triden! I have been wondering about you! Lovely to 'see' you. Wonderful news about your engagement.😊 *Flips her cape back* What, I'm no longer a superhero? 😲 lol
triden07 (70 stories) (279 posts)
+9
4 months ago (2020-12-19)
Oh Val!
You have been a voice for sanity for me through so many of my crazy ordeals (well in my world they were/are) that I have completely created you as a superhero of sorts. One forgets that people you have connections with are still just people like me. Reasing the "bashing" and the metaphorical "kicking" your parental spirit gave you took me back to the ones I have experienced in my life as well. I got so angry at what he said to you - empaths huh. And your helper in the renovation advice, keeping you from falling, I felt like I would want to hug him, he reminds me of Charlie.

I have been quiet too long I would say. I missed you all.
Rex-T (5 stories) (280 posts)
+5
4 months ago (2020-12-18)
Val,

I'm wondering whether your older brother may have been drawn back to you to "steady the ladder", so to speak, particularly after the ear-full from your father and you asking for help.

One thing I do know is what sunlight, vitamin D and depression have in common. You'd now be in early winter, so please keep taking the vitamin D. Besides, it also helps the body retain Calcium as well.

Hang in there warrior, have a safe Christmas knowing that good hearts always shine through the cr*p that life throws up.

PS. A bit early I know, but I don't care. To all the YGS family have a happy and healthy Christmas/New Year and let's hope 2021 turns out better than this year.

Jubeele and Rex-T
Sleeping-with-steve (8 stories) (504 posts)
+2
4 months ago (2020-12-18)
The_Morrighan, Tweed, and Valkricry, I have to wait before I can continue to up-vote because I've used up my limit. I'll come back and vote in a couple of days.

(It would be nice if the up-voting could be increased from 5 per member to 10😉 and maybe the down-voting can stay at 5 per member) 🤔 Small suggestion for Martin.

Best wishes,
SWS 😘
Sleeping-with-steve (8 stories) (504 posts)
+2
4 months ago (2020-12-18)
Hello Valkricry,

If I could, I would give you a big hug. You are very brave soldiering on with everything that you have been dealing with.

Your father had no right treating you like that. He said a lot of cruel things. Despite him trying to diminish your self worth and confidence, here you are fighting every step of the way.

I know I don't know you, but, I feel as though I would enjoy your company and be able to talk for hours over coffee about experiences that have made us who we are.

I'm so sorry your childhood was taken from you by your father who replaced it with fear, dread, and depression.

In time as you get stronger, you will not be hurt by those memories. Instead you will feel power knowing that you have got to where you are from proving him wrong.

Having read all the comments on this thread, I can see how loved and cared for you are by YGS community. You will always have support when you need it. Don't ever feel alone because as far away as we are, we really do care. You know my email and if ever you need to chat, please feel free to contact me.

Look after yourself lovely lady.
SWS/Miranda.
😘 ❤ 🤗
The_Morrighan (2 stories) (42 posts)
+2
4 months ago (2020-12-17)
Val, For what it's worth Yule is on 21st of December and I'm going to be performing an empowerment ritual for a few friends, I'll include you in it. You don't have to believe and if nothing else you know I'm wishing you good vibes and sending strength.
Bright blessings.
Morri.
valkricry (47 stories) (3143 posts) mod
+2
4 months ago (2020-12-17)
Morri,
You know, I think that's what bothered me most about this - not being able to point at an x factor. It's difficult to vent or circumvent the issue, when you have no clue yourself what the root is. "Punch drunk" is a good term for the after effect.
valkricry (47 stories) (3143 posts) mod
+2
4 months ago (2020-12-16)
Hey, Tweed. You're referring to his Grandmother, who raised him - so really close and one heck of a memory you have there!
Actually, except for the remodel on the kitchen, I'm doing all the work myself. BTW the remodel came as a big surprise to me. I was just going to paint the darn thing. Then my landlord asked me if I'd like a 'new' kitchen - would I!?! I was totally over the moon when he said they'd replace the floor as well. Unfortunately before they could do details like the splash board, disaster struck and funds had to be re-allotted. *sigh*. I tend to agree we need a roof more than I need a splash board. Still the kitchen is like 300% better than was.
You don't sound 'preachy' at all. More like concerned for my safety.😊
The_Morrighan (2 stories) (42 posts)
+2
4 months ago (2020-12-16)
Val, I'm the same: life knocks me down and I (thus far) get back up, maybe a little punch drunk but still going.
valkricry (47 stories) (3143 posts) mod
+3
4 months ago (2020-12-16)
Thank you, Morrighan. I've heard that saying, phrased differently before. Something like, "God brings you to it, He'll lead you through it." Maybe it's so, I don't know. All I really know is life is very fond of throwing curve balls at folks, and I'm one of the lucky ones. Hasn't struck me out yet.
Tweed (29 stories) (2362 posts)
+2
4 months ago (2020-12-16)
Val, goodness, sorry you've been doing it so tough. I remember you mentioned months ago about hitting a bad patch. But that's one heck of a bad patch.
I remember you getting that roomie and having a sort of passing of the torch experience with the guy's mother (?) I think it was. Maybe that same spirit was, or is, trying to reach you. Or maybe you've got that covered lol.

You pose some big questions at the end and I don't know if anyone could, or should, answer them for you. Maybe they're more journey based answers. I admire your wisdom for getting to a bigger picture at the end of that year. You've chosen a positive perspective and that speaks to your strength.

Hate to sound preachy but hope you don't have too many tradesmen in right now. Crappy times and all.
Stay safe.

Oh and the YGS community is just a shout away if you ever need to vent. I'm sure people here won't mind at all. Don't feel like you have to face all that alone. Or maybe you're a lone wolf like me, and that's fine too!

Morrighan, the thing won't let me vote for you at the moment but I really love what you said about the gods giving their hardest tasks to their strongest warriors.
The_Morrighan (2 stories) (42 posts)
+5
4 months ago (2020-12-16)
I'm so sorry, first of all, for what you've had to go through but perhaps the gods only give their hardest tasks to their strongest warriors. I have to say that I'm rather jealous of your other realm 'family' lending a helping hand and moral support! I hope all goes well for you with your home and future.
Brightest blessings and stay safe.
Morri.

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