It's been two years since I lasted posted here. A year since I had encountered the creature dragging me out of bed. So much has changed and so much I have mistakenly done. After witnessing that dark spirits do target whatever and whomever they can I tried my hardness to move on and ignore this gift I am starting to believe is a curse. I had fallen in love and am now living happily with him; he comes from a family of hardship but has made many achievements. I just wish he had told me sooner his mother is a witch. A black witch no less. I knew he was always protected but I did know he was protected so well because his mother was so involved with the darker side of the spiritual realm. However his protection is my distress.
Protection such as his stops so many things from attaching onto him but I; I am their next target. So many times I have lit my candle and when I think all is safe I am sadly mistaken. Now I have fallen victim to a darker spirit than before, one that sends cold chills down my spine and drains me of everything that drives me. At night I can feel its presences and when I try to ignore it I feel nothing but terror. When during the day I try to think of some way to get rid of it I become dizzy and feel faint. I tried so hard to close myself from this world forever but it is clear I can never leave it even more so now that my mother told me the truth.
In my older post I told of when I was only 14-15. Of a song I was listening too about death and deaths power. Looking outside my window onto a street; seeing the black figure looking back at me. Bolting back but looking again to see if I were mistaken only of see that it had moved to the front of my home looking back at me as I looked at it. I felt such fear, such coldness. Something I can never ever forget as long as I lived. I remember asking my mom about it, her asking me if it was holding anything and I said I couldn't be sure. Now that I am an adult that night came up as a conversation as my boyfriend and I talked to my mother for support. She had then decided to tell me that I had met Death that night. That I stared into him/she. Of course I refused to believe it. I honestly refused to believe I saw death and lived. That was until I tried doing a Tarot reading to figure out what that spirit was to prove her wrong and out of every card in the deck death falls out. I started crying for no reason at the sight of it; I knew my mother was right at that moment.
My whole life; my earliest of memories are that of watching people cross over to the other side. Sometimes even, when I light a candle to send others over I hear a death. I remember lighting a candle to help a spirit who had travelled into my house. I remember it screaming before a loud crash was heard. A lady had died in a crash and somehow found her way to me and I helped her past on. Now I found out I saw death. On top of that negative dark things try to attach themselves to me and this time one as drove me to do a completely spiritual cleansing. My mom read me... It is said my whole life will be like this. Is it my destiny to always fight? Sometimes it feels as if I am completing or doing part of death's job when I send these spirits over and on top of that my cat, my familiar of 15yrs has died. She used to protect me so well and now I don't have her.
Is this my destiny to always experience these things? I can't ignore it because then I will be attacked. I can't welcome it because then too many come in and I go inside with being surrounded so much. There seems to be no middle ground. Day after day I hear my name being called to turn around and see nothing. I could be listening to music with a head set and I still hear someone calling time to time. Sometimes I wonder why I was given such a thing. My family's line goes many centuries back but will it stop. Will my children have to face these trials like I have too? This knew negative force that clings to me; it keeps all those positive spirits from me and drives my kitten, the new cat I have hope for in becoming my new familiar from me. My creative flow, my art feels like its disappearing and I am frightened of my very own bedroom. Not going to sleep until I am on the edge of passing out waiting until dawn if I have too. This path month has been horrible and I...whom never drew anything dark in my own life was driven to do so and the image not only frightens me but it frightens my mother. She believes it can become worse if allowed to grow. But why, why will does it have to happen. Why do I have to live asking myself if this will always happen?
When I was younger I envied every actor who played the role of s psychic. I watched in fascination when a physic had shows of their own. I always wondered if I would be as powerful as them and wanted to be as them. Now my only wish is to be normal but I know it won't ever come true.
My only wish now is that I fore fill whatever destiny has planned in order to unchain this curse/gift/job whatever it is from being passed onto my children. For I do not wish for them to face the horrors as I do.
It's been a few days since I have written the first part of this. It's driving me crazy. I finally had a spiritual cleansing and as soon as I hit the bath my whole head began to spin and I thought I was going to pass out. I really thought I would but thankfully I didn't; I even felt lifted and very tired. It's like my soul had energy but my body didn't. However this feeling didn't last long. Before I knew it I went to my friend's house. Although she isn't gifted in seeing the world beyond that of the living her house is filled with activity to even where people outside her family notice it. As soon as I left her home I knew I wasn't alone and once again had to fight off whatever was attached to me.
But now I am plagued by a new worry. My niece, she is the cutest baby. A baby I worry for. My brother is similar to me however he's so afraid of it he is able to ignore it and never got the chance to develop it. However his child, my niece. If she were to have it how would he handle it, how would his wife; whom knows nothing about our family line. Also what might be drawn to her if she is anything like her grandmother or I. I want to warn my brother but I know he'll hear no word of spirits. If he weren't so afraid.
Lately my grandpa has been since as well and I know he doesn't have long to live. If he were to die in the year it would be a second death in my family however this one I am not sure I can handle. So many things are happening around me I feel so clouded and on top of it I find out that my boyfriend's mom already knows about me and is wanting to meet me. She is a black witch, something I don't want to get involved in. Its bad enough I am purple because of all the things I attract. I really am not sure how much I can handle.
As for my grandpa, how do I know he's dying? When my was sick and near death her brother, my old cat, was around the house more. He was always around her just waiting for her so he can take her with him. Now I am seeing every animal my grandpa has ever loved running around the house. My old pets loved my grandpa as much as he loved them and honestly I don't want them to take him. I think it's just too soon. Over a year ago he lived through his organs shutting down and has been living with two types of cancer that haven't spread. He's held on so long its only right he gets to see his great grandchild's first even fifth birthday. Yet I know that all my praying and wishing won't stop it.
Its sad knowing when a family member is about to pass over. I think that's why more than anything I want to be rid of this curse or gift. I am sick of knowing when those around me are going to die. I just look at someone and smile not look at them and know to never become close to them.