I'm sharing this because I hope to seek out some advice or ideas. I'm 19 years old going on 20 this November. To give a little back ground information, my parents were never married and they split up when I was very young. I lived with my father who kept to himself most of the time and for my whole childhood I never saw my mother. I was a really shy girl and didn't make friends easily so I was a loner. My father and I moved around a lot. I have been to four different elementary schools and at least six different apartment complexes.
For my whole life I have had a "friend" that talks to me constantly. Him and I converse all the time in my head. For years I thought of him as nothing more then my conscience. Though, recently I have been informed by a personal friend who is a spiritualist that he isn't my conscience but an entity all together. So I hope for those who read this can help me out. I'll start from the beginning. Like I said, he has been with me my whole life and I don't remember everything when I was a child. I tried my best to remember as much details as possible.
Between the ages of 4-5 I got a "friend". I was playing with some dolls in my room and talking out loud to myself. When I asked a question out loud, a voice answered me in my head. It sounded like my voice but a tad bit deeper. I asked who the voice was and he responded "Your brother." I was skeptical at first because I didn't have a brother. I was a only child. But he told me that he existed before I was born.
He gave me this elaborate story of his death. I don't remember all the details, but it included him making a sandwich and somehow accidentally tripping and stabbing himself with the knife. I believed him to the point that I asked my dad about my deceased brother he never told me about. My dad thought I was crazy. He said I never had a brother. So I told my "brother" that he lied to me, he told me that it was my father that had lied. Either way I left it alone and continued to talk to my "brother". I would talk to him out loud when I was by myself and in my head when I was around people. Him and became really close friends.
When I got about the age of 7 I assumed my "brother" was nothing more then my imaginary friend. I remember asking him if he would disappear when I got older (like most imaginary friends) he told me "Maybe, maybe not." The only thing about my "brother" I found interesting was that he rarely ever talked about himself. I asked him one time before where he went when I fell asleep. He said he leaves to visit his friends. I would ask him what he would like to talk about and he would respond "Whatever you want to talk about." And our conversations sometimes was him just asking me how I felt about things.
He was comforting. He made me feel like I was talking to a counselor. He didn't always give me advice but he would tell me some things I should do or avoid. This one time him and I got into an argument. I don't remember what started the argument but it ended with him saying that I would be absolutely lost without him. I didn't believe him, I told him I didn't need him. So to prove a point he said that he would leave and then he was gone. A weird feeling came over me. For the first in my life I felt alone. I talked out loud and in my head hoping for him to respond but he didn't. It was just myself. I cried begging him to come back. Within a few hours he returned. He had a mocking tone telling me "I told you so."
When I turned 13 my "brother" told me to call him "John". I asked him why and he said "It's time for a change and I want you to." It was weird to call him John since I called him "brother" for so many years but I did as he asked. And since that point I have been calling him John. In 2008, my father got arrested and I had to move in with my grandparents. They weren't aware of John and they confronted me because they found it strange that I would carry on full conversations with myself so I explain him to them. They laughed at me and said "he" was nothing more than my conscience that I just spoke to and spoke for. I didn't completely agree because John had told me plenty of times before that he was real but then I thought I was being silly so I brushed it off as him being nothing more then my conscience as well.
Since I started my new life with my grandparents weird things have been happening. Well, not so much weird but just strange things. For example, when I'm home alone I would hear soft bangs or crashes around my room, especially when I'm not in there. But when I would go to investigate, nothing will be out of the ordinary so I trained myself to say "It was just the house settling or maybe it was the cat." Sometimes when I was in my room I would hear my name being called. Not in a yelling way but in a soft whisper. Sometimes I would just hear low breathing and when I slept at night I felt like a finger was running down my neck or back. These happenings occurred no matter where we move. Actually my grandparents and I just moved this past June into a small apartment complex and a new 'strange' thing has been happening. It started last Wednesday the 9th of July.
My routine for going to bed is to turn all the lights off in my room. (I can't sleep with any light shining) I will even stuff clothes in the cracks around my door to keep out light from the living room (because my grandmother sleeps out there). When I lay down, I don't go to sleep but listen to music for an hour or so until I begin to drift off and then I will go to sleep. So on this one seemingly usual night I was listening to music and I turned over in my bed to face the wall. When I turn I move over so there is room for my cat if she chooses to lay beside me. So after some time that I was laying like that I felt what I thought was my cat behind me walking. But when I turned to look, there was nothing there. It kind of freaked me out. John jokingly said it was him, but I didn't want to believe that. And every night since the "cat walking" sensation happens behind me when I turn towards the wall.
This past Friday, the 11th, I went to my personal friend's house to help her move furniture. She's much older then me, I would say she's in her 40s and she is Christian and a Spiritualist. So we got to talking about demons and spirits and I felt compelled to share about John. I told her about how he just appeared in my head and the strange things happening and so on. She looks at me and says, "You have a demon entity attached to you." I was flabbergasted. I do believe in God, angels and demons but the idea of a demon attached to me seemed unreal.
I asked her why she thought that and she said "Demons name themselves." I couldn't argue because I don't know that much about demons but it still shocked me. She proceeds to ask me if I would like to rid myself of him. I told her I had to think about that since he has been with me my whole life, I couldn't toss him out like that. I told her that he isn't evil. He's never yelled at me or hurt me. He never told me to do bad things. If anything, he is quite the opposite. He helps me when I'm depressed, he'll scorn me (like a mother would her child) if I did something stupid in which I hurt myself. He tells me that he loves me all the time and that I am pretty (no matter how much acne is erupting from my pores). I said he couldn't be a demon. She said that demons were liars.
So she has us hold hands and she chants and commands John to tell me how he attached himself to me. All he said to me in my head was "seeps" then he disappeared (which he hasn't done in a long time). She told me she could her him screaming "No!" at her. I didn't hear him scream at me at all but for the rest of the day that I was with her, he was gone. He came back when I went home.
That night the "cat walking" sensation started at my shoulder and ran to my feet. It felt as if something was laying next to me. I got really scared. When the sensation stopped I turned around but nothing was there. I asked John if he was real if he would do something. He asked me "like what?" I scanned around my room and and said for him to turn on my TV. He said he would.
The next day, Saturday, I got online and tried to research the 'seeps' but didn't find anything. And then I researched about the "cat walking" sensation and came across different experiences featuring Incubi. That night as the "cat walking" sensation came about I asked John he was a incubus of some kind and he told me he wasn't. I eventually fell asleep. I awoke when my TV clicked on. I wasn't scared because I knew it was him. I reached down grabbed my remote and turned it off. It clicked back on again then clicked back off. The TV incident didn't take place in "reality" but in one of those loose dreams where you feel you're awake and can see everything but you also know you're still asleep.
I started writing down my nightly experiences in a journal. John and I still talk to each other but since that Friday, it has become terribly awkward. It's like finding your best friend could be a serial killer. I'm trying to keep things comfortable between us but it's hard.
Thank you for those who took the time to read this. If you have any suggestions or ideas please be free to share them. I'm not sure if John is simply my conscience or simply an imaginary being or a some kind of entity that has attached on to me. I do know for a fact that I do not speak for him. He answers for himself in my mind and he did name himself.