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John, My Conscience Or An Entity?


I'm sharing this because I hope to seek out some advice or ideas. I'm 19 years old going on 20 this November. To give a little back ground information, my parents were never married and they split up when I was very young. I lived with my father who kept to himself most of the time and for my whole childhood I never saw my mother. I was a really shy girl and didn't make friends easily so I was a loner. My father and I moved around a lot. I have been to four different elementary schools and at least six different apartment complexes.

For my whole life I have had a "friend" that talks to me constantly. Him and I converse all the time in my head. For years I thought of him as nothing more then my conscience. Though, recently I have been informed by a personal friend who is a spiritualist that he isn't my conscience but an entity all together. So I hope for those who read this can help me out. I'll start from the beginning. Like I said, he has been with me my whole life and I don't remember everything when I was a child. I tried my best to remember as much details as possible.

Between the ages of 4-5 I got a "friend". I was playing with some dolls in my room and talking out loud to myself. When I asked a question out loud, a voice answered me in my head. It sounded like my voice but a tad bit deeper. I asked who the voice was and he responded "Your brother." I was skeptical at first because I didn't have a brother. I was a only child. But he told me that he existed before I was born.

He gave me this elaborate story of his death. I don't remember all the details, but it included him making a sandwich and somehow accidentally tripping and stabbing himself with the knife. I believed him to the point that I asked my dad about my deceased brother he never told me about. My dad thought I was crazy. He said I never had a brother. So I told my "brother" that he lied to me, he told me that it was my father that had lied. Either way I left it alone and continued to talk to my "brother". I would talk to him out loud when I was by myself and in my head when I was around people. Him and became really close friends.

When I got about the age of 7 I assumed my "brother" was nothing more then my imaginary friend. I remember asking him if he would disappear when I got older (like most imaginary friends) he told me "Maybe, maybe not." The only thing about my "brother" I found interesting was that he rarely ever talked about himself. I asked him one time before where he went when I fell asleep. He said he leaves to visit his friends. I would ask him what he would like to talk about and he would respond "Whatever you want to talk about." And our conversations sometimes was him just asking me how I felt about things.

He was comforting. He made me feel like I was talking to a counselor. He didn't always give me advice but he would tell me some things I should do or avoid. This one time him and I got into an argument. I don't remember what started the argument but it ended with him saying that I would be absolutely lost without him. I didn't believe him, I told him I didn't need him. So to prove a point he said that he would leave and then he was gone. A weird feeling came over me. For the first in my life I felt alone. I talked out loud and in my head hoping for him to respond but he didn't. It was just myself. I cried begging him to come back. Within a few hours he returned. He had a mocking tone telling me "I told you so."

When I turned 13 my "brother" told me to call him "John". I asked him why and he said "It's time for a change and I want you to." It was weird to call him John since I called him "brother" for so many years but I did as he asked. And since that point I have been calling him John. In 2008, my father got arrested and I had to move in with my grandparents. They weren't aware of John and they confronted me because they found it strange that I would carry on full conversations with myself so I explain him to them. They laughed at me and said "he" was nothing more than my conscience that I just spoke to and spoke for. I didn't completely agree because John had told me plenty of times before that he was real but then I thought I was being silly so I brushed it off as him being nothing more then my conscience as well.

Since I started my new life with my grandparents weird things have been happening. Well, not so much weird but just strange things. For example, when I'm home alone I would hear soft bangs or crashes around my room, especially when I'm not in there. But when I would go to investigate, nothing will be out of the ordinary so I trained myself to say "It was just the house settling or maybe it was the cat." Sometimes when I was in my room I would hear my name being called. Not in a yelling way but in a soft whisper. Sometimes I would just hear low breathing and when I slept at night I felt like a finger was running down my neck or back. These happenings occurred no matter where we move. Actually my grandparents and I just moved this past June into a small apartment complex and a new 'strange' thing has been happening. It started last Wednesday the 9th of July.

My routine for going to bed is to turn all the lights off in my room. (I can't sleep with any light shining) I will even stuff clothes in the cracks around my door to keep out light from the living room (because my grandmother sleeps out there). When I lay down, I don't go to sleep but listen to music for an hour or so until I begin to drift off and then I will go to sleep. So on this one seemingly usual night I was listening to music and I turned over in my bed to face the wall. When I turn I move over so there is room for my cat if she chooses to lay beside me. So after some time that I was laying like that I felt what I thought was my cat behind me walking. But when I turned to look, there was nothing there. It kind of freaked me out. John jokingly said it was him, but I didn't want to believe that. And every night since the "cat walking" sensation happens behind me when I turn towards the wall.

This past Friday, the 11th, I went to my personal friend's house to help her move furniture. She's much older then me, I would say she's in her 40s and she is Christian and a Spiritualist. So we got to talking about demons and spirits and I felt compelled to share about John. I told her about how he just appeared in my head and the strange things happening and so on. She looks at me and says, "You have a demon entity attached to you." I was flabbergasted. I do believe in God, angels and demons but the idea of a demon attached to me seemed unreal.

I asked her why she thought that and she said "Demons name themselves." I couldn't argue because I don't know that much about demons but it still shocked me. She proceeds to ask me if I would like to rid myself of him. I told her I had to think about that since he has been with me my whole life, I couldn't toss him out like that. I told her that he isn't evil. He's never yelled at me or hurt me. He never told me to do bad things. If anything, he is quite the opposite. He helps me when I'm depressed, he'll scorn me (like a mother would her child) if I did something stupid in which I hurt myself. He tells me that he loves me all the time and that I am pretty (no matter how much acne is erupting from my pores). I said he couldn't be a demon. She said that demons were liars.

So she has us hold hands and she chants and commands John to tell me how he attached himself to me. All he said to me in my head was "seeps" then he disappeared (which he hasn't done in a long time). She told me she could her him screaming "No!" at her. I didn't hear him scream at me at all but for the rest of the day that I was with her, he was gone. He came back when I went home.

That night the "cat walking" sensation started at my shoulder and ran to my feet. It felt as if something was laying next to me. I got really scared. When the sensation stopped I turned around but nothing was there. I asked John if he was real if he would do something. He asked me "like what?" I scanned around my room and and said for him to turn on my TV. He said he would.

The next day, Saturday, I got online and tried to research the 'seeps' but didn't find anything. And then I researched about the "cat walking" sensation and came across different experiences featuring Incubi. That night as the "cat walking" sensation came about I asked John he was a incubus of some kind and he told me he wasn't. I eventually fell asleep. I awoke when my TV clicked on. I wasn't scared because I knew it was him. I reached down grabbed my remote and turned it off. It clicked back on again then clicked back off. The TV incident didn't take place in "reality" but in one of those loose dreams where you feel you're awake and can see everything but you also know you're still asleep.

I started writing down my nightly experiences in a journal. John and I still talk to each other but since that Friday, it has become terribly awkward. It's like finding your best friend could be a serial killer. I'm trying to keep things comfortable between us but it's hard.

Thank you for those who took the time to read this. If you have any suggestions or ideas please be free to share them. I'm not sure if John is simply my conscience or simply an imaginary being or a some kind of entity that has attached on to me. I do know for a fact that I do not speak for him. He answers for himself in my mind and he did name himself.

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The following comments are submitted by users of this site and are not official positions by Please read our guidelines and the previous posts before posting. The author, Heratti, has the following expectation about your feedback: I will participate in the discussion and I need help with what I have experienced.

Jitow (362 posts)
10 years ago (2014-07-22)
It is a "familiar spirit". Your friend was right go back to her and ask for help, I am sure that she can get you the right help. Do not delay.
MissSkeptical (3 stories) (17 posts)
10 years ago (2014-07-21)
I don't want of freak you out or be judgemental but is there any possibility that you could have a mild mental illness? I recently studied schizophrenia at school in psychology and a lot of the symptoms of it are displayed by you. Please don't take my word for it, I could be completely wrong! But have you considered speaking to a doctor about this?
SparklinBurgndy (6 stories) (18 posts)
10 years ago (2014-07-20)
I think John sounds like a nice guy. You said it feels like finding out your best friend is a serial
Killer. Why do you believe this friend of yours that claims he's evil? If he's never done anything bad or made you feel bad, why do you think he's bad now?

I find it telling that you said your friend is Christian. I know they aren't all like this, but I've met my fair share of Christians who exist only in black and white. If John isn't an angel, then he must be a demon. People are good or evil. There is no such thing as neutrality or duality and Gods' forbid he's something outside their realm of experience.

Again, I know not all Christians are like that, but a certain level of scepticism is healthy.
Nectarvore (1 stories) (226 posts)
10 years ago (2014-07-20)
I think the certainty of this woman that John is a demonic entity is a little extreme... Like, maybe he is, but I doubt it. None of what you describe fits the description of a demon. Demons, to my understanding, attach themselves to a person with a desire to do harm and manipulate a persons actions... It sounds like you've began self dialogue at a young age as a means of comfort and an answer to loneliness... Maybe you have created an artificial elemental (by artificial, I mean it's created through personal will, even subconsciously) as opposed to a nature elemental. All the universe is energy. With a deep enough will or desire, combined with an investment of your time, love, belief and energy, I wonder if you have created him. It doesn't sound like you are imagining him... What concerns me is your attachment to him. I think that when we are listening to our deepest inner voice, our connection with the creator, in whatever faith that is, that there is no need for intervention of any kind. That is, no intermediary required. I sense you feel a sense of betrayal at letting this friend go. Try letting him go with love. The way you would with a human friendship that you have outgrown. That way, real or imagined, it doesn't matter... The important part is the closure. He doesn't sound evil, however it isn't wise to hand your power over... True guidance will come directly from Source. In fact, you have always had it. It's a matter of believing in that and rediscovering that connection. My disclaimer? As always... This is only my opinion. Peace.
IzzyC (3 stories) (13 posts)
10 years ago (2014-07-18)
I don't think the rules of the spirit world are so hard and fast as saying that there are specific entities called Incubi or that demons tell you their names. I think humans just try to make sense out of something they can't comprehend by thinking there is some sort of order to it.

Personally, if John is real, he sounds like a nice guy. The point is whether or not you want him to do things like touch you or be in your bed, and if you do, maybe he's just responding to your energy. If not, obviously you need to ask him to stop. I think it's important to tell him honestly how you feel, and tell him he's welcome in your life so long as he's a good soul and is positive influence on you. If he can't do that, if he is negative in any way or has ulterior motives with you, he shouldn't be allowed to address you anymore.

Whether he's real or not, he's sort of real to you, and all this stuff psychologically impacts you either way. He might as well be, even while you remain objectively tongue-in-cheek about it. You probably already understand the complexity of the situation since you've been dealing with this since you were a kid, but hopefully that insight alone can help keep your feelings in some perspective.
otteer (8 stories) (398 posts)
10 years ago (2014-07-18)
Interesting. If this is your mind doing all the talking, then you have managed to comfort yourself in this mode for a long time. You have done that! So, if you disconnect from your other self, you will still have the same person taking care of yourself when it is gone...You! Dont be afraid to let go. The mind is an amazing thing (there is that word I always use), and it does its best to compensate when something is lacking. But, don't you want to be in control of your life, and take credit for the good things you do for yourself? That is how self esteem is built.
If "John" comes back with the threat that you cannot do without him, (that is a mean streak) just tell him you will take your chances. He has fibbed a few times so I think its time to let go.
Thank you for sharing!
Heratti (1 stories) (2 posts)
10 years ago (2014-07-16)
Thanks GhostNinja, I did research on the tulpa and that definitely describes John. 😁 ❤
Heratti (1 stories) (2 posts)
10 years ago (2014-07-16)
Thanks for some advice. He has been a comfort for me especially when I real young. I'll try to focus on other things and hopefully ease myself away from him.
allisonbeckert23 (guest)
10 years ago (2014-07-16)
I had a similar experience that ended for me around your age. One thing that aided me to disconnect was to write. I wrote a character like him and me and created a story around why I didn't need him any more and what I would want from a real friend to give me the same comfort. After a few weeks things got much better.

For you it could be writing a song, drawing a picture, or doing something else to project this disconnection.
elnoraemily (guest)
10 years ago (2014-07-16)
I am also agreeing with BadJuuJuu on this subject.

Disconnecting would be the best thing for you to do.
GhostNinja (2 posts)
10 years ago (2014-07-16)
I agree with BadJuuJuu.
My thoughts are that John is not an entity, but mostly likely a tulpa. You could do some research on it if you want.
BadJuuJuu (guest)
10 years ago (2014-07-16)
My opinion is that John is neither your conscience, nor an independent entity. I think that he started off as an imaginary friend to help you cope with loneliness and over the years you developed too deep an attachment to him. Your seeming dependence on this character is a little concerning.
I honestly think you should try to disconnect from John. Spend time with your friends, take up a new hobby, develop new interests. Put your energy into something different, and try to ignore the desire to talk to John.

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