I was pregnant with my first child, my former husband and I had just discovered that we were having a girl and had agreed on the name Abigail Rose. I remember picking the name Abigail because it meant a father's pride and joy.
A few nights later I had a dream of a large white room with an old fashion bassinet in the center. I walked up to the bassinet to find a baby girl.
Her eyes were a dark brown with fine hair, wrapped in a pink blanket with white stars and moons on it. Just like the one I had picked out, I knew she was mine.
As I reached out to touch her tiny hand a single white feather floated down and landed on her. At that moment the bassinet filled with blood and the baby was gone. All I heard was "She is safer with me."
I woke up tears streaming down my face and had the feeling that something was wrong with my baby. I woke up my now ex-husband and told him about the dream and my feeling but he chopped it up to my hormones and told me to go back to sleep.
Three nights later I went to a revival and stayed to help clean up after the church dinner, putting me home later than I told him I would be.
I knocked on the door to our trailer and was greeted by a drunken enraged husband who refused to believe that I was at the revival but rather that I was out with another man. Mind you I had never cheated on him but he had been cheated on in the past by other women.
Needless to say things got physical and he pushed me causing me to hit the side of our wood heater. When I stood up I noticed that I was bleeding. After calling a friend asking them to take me to the hospital I found out that I lost my baby.
A year passed and the sorrow that had eaten at me for such a long time turned into a rage so blinding that it was hard for me to function. The world around me was a vacant blur.
Before I knew it October 14, 2010 was before me (what would have been Abigail's due date). I drug myself from my bed and went to the closest store that carried balloons and asked for a single pink one, went to the park and released it in remembrance of her and went back home.
As I laid in bed that night curled up with what would have been her blanket that I would have brought her home in I broke. Angry and heartbroken I screamed at God asking him why he would give me such a precious gift just to rip her away from me. I remember saying what I wouldn't give to hold her or simply hear her voice.
After awhile I guess that I exhausted myself and fell asleep because I was awoken by something that I will never forget.
It felt like a tiny hand on the side of my face, followed by a small voice that sounded like a little girl that said "I love you, momma, don't be sad. I'm OK now." I remember trying to peer into the darkness to see her but could only see my dresser against the wall across from me.
The little voice spoke again, "Close your eyes and you will see me." Hesitant, but desperate to see my baby girl, I closed my eyes and instantly saw the white room that was in my dream. Except this time a little girl with red curly hair and brown eyes in a pink dress with white sandals ran up to me and wrapped her tiny arms around me and kissed my stomach.
Her smile was so innocent, genuine so pure. I bent down to kiss her and she whispered in my ear "I am always with you, momma" then turned and walked away. I tried to follow her but my feet would not move almost like a force was keeping me in place. I then heard in a different voice "You are still needed."
When I opened my eyes again it was daylight and for the first time in a long time I had peace in my soul. I could finally accept her passing because I know now that she is OK.