Once again I'm catholic, although not a very good one. Needless to say, I make a lot of dumb mistakes. This Saturday I called up one of my friends and decided to go out drinking. I'm very lightweight and I'm extremely buzzed/slightly drunk after four drinks. I had my four and we were sitting out by the train tracks. I accept that the alcohol may be the simple reason for my experience. But altogether it was terrifying and abnormal.
Anyways, out by the train tracks. We were sitting inside his truck with the windows rolled up parked next to the train tracks. It was precisely 3:33 in the morning. (I don't get completely wasted to where I don't remember things). It felt like somebody was holding a black veil over my face because it was difficult to see. I kept blinking and I remember looking out the window to see a black cloud. I started freaking out. I was bawling my eyes out and started punching my face, scratching at my wrists and neck. I screamed at my friend to start the truck and get out of there. I remember rocking myself chanting "he is here, he is here".
Within the next five minutes I was trying to suffocate myself. It seemed beyond all my control. My friend kept on shaking me to breathe. And when I started breathing again I started to chant "he has me, he has me." I was begging my friend to kill me or let me go. Obviously he did neither.
I managed to get in my house and I sent my friend three texts before I fell asleep. The next morning I woke up and was looking through my sent box. Here are the three texts I sent.
1) I'm sorry he was there. I made a mistake and he was watching. He's always going to chase me. He has me. He has me. I'm really sorry I really am I can't do this. I'll get what I deserve. If I can hold long enough I'll get what I deserve I promise.
2) He's the one that taunts. He smiles when I fall. He wants me for himself and his claim to the almighty throne. He knows he cannot succeed but he can triumph over those unsuperior to him.
3) I know he's around. He lurks in the shadows waiting to devour the soul while the lamb sleeps.
I understand I was drunk, but usually I send things that don't make any sense. These texts just seem too intelligible for me to say judging on the condition I was in at the time. Ever since that night I have been terrified to sleep. I have been looking at the clock at 3:33. The only things that come to mind are cutting, suicide, and insanity.
So is this just a drunken mad side of me, or did something really happen this weekend? I'm not trying to be dramatic at all. I would be more than happy if I had chosen not to drink. Please don't get annoyed by my stupidity and help me.