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Hard Letting Go!

 

Today I wish to share with you something that happened in 2006.

This is going to be a long account, so kindly be patient.

I used to stay in Thane, Mumbai, India. The building was a new construction and the flat we stayed in was the only one built yet. The market road was just a few paces away and could be seen right from my door on the first floor.

It was only my second job in an Travel Company and I had a shift starting at 5pm ending about 1.30AM after which I had company transport dropping me home by 2.30AM-3AM. One fateful night, I was on my way home when I received a call from my Mom, suggesting that somethings wrong with my father. I was petrified. I had almost reached and ran about 100 feet before arriving home since cars were not allowed on the market road.

I reached home and saw my father unconscious and my mom crying bitterly. For one moment, my future flashed in my mind and it was so horrible. We were not very well to do and had to quit my bachelors in engineering due to financial condition of the family after my father had had a heart attack a couple years ago which was when I started working back in 2004. I pulled myself out of that momentary trance and saw dad had difficulty breathing. I pumped his chest a few times and he suddenly coughed. I was glad. I pulled him in my arms. I thought that we will take him to a doctor and everything should be fine. I had already called my best friend who lived round the corner and he was on his way. Mom asked me to give my dad some water, which I did. He had a couple sips. He will still pretty much out of it. And then it happened, he collapsed in my arms, body went limp and I couldn't feel him breathing. In the next 15 minutes, we were in the hospital, as the doctor examined him. Mom and I were waiting outside along with my friend. I was still hopeful, that, may be it wasn't as serious as it looked. The doctor stepped out in a few moments and pronounced my Dad DEAD. Heart Attack. I can't possibly explain how I felt then or I didn't. It was as if I had went numb. Mom was inconsolable. I tried to put up a brave face in front of her, but, I was broken beyond repair in my mind.

All my uncles and aunt's arrived later and they decided to take the body to my paternal grandmother's place for the "Antima Sanskar".

After all the legal paperwork was done, we took his body back to grandma's place as I mentioned earlier. As people poured in by the afternoon to pay their respects, we prepared for his body to be taken to the cremation ground (SMASHAAN in MARATHI). Please know that I still couldn't believe that he has left us, I still somehow felt that maybe, all this just a prank he has pulled on us and he will wake up now. I still couldn't cry. Then finally, we reached the cremation grounds, the Pandit recited the Shlokas and placed his body on the pyre and I mounted logs of wood on him one after the other. Finally, I gave "Agni" (Fire) to the body and right then, I split into tears. It was as if my heart had exploded and tears wouldn't stop. My maternal uncle tried to console me but I was completely lost.

All these rites of passage in Hinduism are very specific and certain things need to be done for 13 days post death, with 7th, 10th and 13th day holding specific values wherein "PIND DAAN" is mandated as a ritual in Hinduism.

It is said that the soul is linked to the physical world and unless "PIND DAAN" is completed, it cannot complete the cycle and be released to the spirit world.

Anyway, I was supposed to go back to our place to get some stuff during one of these days, while we were at my grandmas. It was evening and I went to my home where dad had breathed his last. I stepped inside the house. It was late evening and it was getting dark. I did not switch the light on. I just stepped in the bedroom and sat at the same place I had held my dad when he was dying and just closed my eyes leaning my back against the wall. All the thoughts and the scenes that had transpired just a few days ago, washed through my mind and I found myself sobbing uncontrollably. I don't exactly know here if I fell asleep or not here, but, I found myself right next to dad in a white shirt. It was almost as if, dad was gleaming with light. I was not scared but I was confused and I felt uncomfortable even saying it but I asked, "Dad, how are you still alive?" He just smiled and said that it's ok, it will be fine. Said that he was falling into the light and he couldn't stop himself. Before I could ask him more, it was as if, I was kicked out into consciousness. It had gone completely dark now. I realized that the tears had dried on my face. And I felt cold inside. But not in a bad way. I fished for the switch in darkness turned on the light. Located the stuff I had to get back to my grandma's place and then left. When I checked the time, it was almost an hour that I had been there.

So, that's all I had to say about it. I still keep having these dreams with my father in them though almost every week (NOT EXAGGERATING). In each of these dreams, I ask the same question and my father says nothing, just smiles and I'm kept wanting for answers. Mostly the dreams wake me up and then, I'm into this subconscious stupor for the rest of the night. Asleep, but not really asleep sort of. Like I can sense everything, but can't move. Even the clock ticking away is audibly clear in that state. And the next day is spent in a depressing manner contemplating this. This is something that has caused me a lot of grief since 2006. I'm persistently in depression. Unable to concentrate on anything, career wise as well as in social/ personal life. And then my maternal grandparents passing during the last 11 years further added to the loss.

I don't know if the visit from my father back then, meant something. Or it was just a hallucination of some kind. But it felt as real as daylight.

Thank you for your patience.

Love - Ajay K.

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Comments about this paranormal experience

The following comments are submitted by users of this site and are not official positions by yourghoststories.com. Please read our guidelines and the previous posts before posting. The author, ajonverge, has the following expectation about your feedback: I will participate in the discussion and I need help with what I have experienced.

sheetal (6 stories) (770 posts)
 
1 week ago (2018-01-13)
This really broke my heart. Loosing our parents is the hardest thing to bear. May his soul rest in peace.

P.S. I suggest you to do meditation for calmness of mind or you should do vipassana course. This will really help you.:)
priya- (6 posts)
 
4 weeks ago (2017-12-27)
mi samju shakte. Lost my father this year few months ago that's why came to know about this site... Was actually looking for some answers... Maze baba, mi 3rd day post death la asthi wisarjan kelyanantar 1st time maza swapnat ale hote. Tyanantar pan khup wela mala baba swapnat disle. It was different exp. I feel emotional. Nyways, looking for job now; hope he would b happy seeing me doing job n we are ok.
ajonverge (5 stories) (65 posts)
 
1 month ago (2017-12-13)
Jester: Also, internet has made it easy for us today to look these things up. So, while my intention here was not to explain the idiosyncrasies of the actual words. The context can be obtained merely by selecting the phrase and searching it with google. Besides, most phrases or words in Indian languages might mean different. Or they may sound the same but be scripted differently. So, that's a contentious matter. I do believe the readers here have an open mind and are willing to accept these things as they are called. But, if you go analysing them from a critical point of view, that's completely upto you my friend.
ajonverge (5 stories) (65 posts)
 
1 month ago (2017-12-13)
Jester: Some of these words are the same in Sanskrit and Marathi and Hindi. Of course, Sanskrit is an ancient language, so certain words may sound similar but they are written differently in all three languages.
jester (3 stories) (23 posts)
 
1 month ago (2017-12-13)
Why don't posters from India translate their content in proper English?

[at] ajonverge: For your information "SMASHAAN" is not a "Marathi" word. It is a Sanskrit word.

This is important, because it forms the cultural context for non-Indian readers.

For readers from other cultures...

1. "Antima Sanskar" means last rites.

2. "Pind Daan" is ritual of offerings to the dead ancestors. So, it is not limited to recently departed only, but is also offered to ancestors every year (typically September/October by Hindu calendar). This has to be done by male offsprings.
ajonverge (5 stories) (65 posts)
+1
1 month ago (2017-12-11)
Lady-glow: I agree with your comment about how Time teaches you to live with the pain. Yes I do believe that my fathers "communications" do seem to mean for me to live a better life. But its difficult. Very actually. It almost seems as though I have become my fathers ghost lost in nothingness not him.

Rex-T: Hope you are good buddy. Yes most of the times I do try to be strong and positive but there are these bouts of depression that haunt me every now and then and it all comes crashing down then. I do think I need to try some counselling myself. And I'm sorry about your loss too buddy.

Jubeele: Seems you endured a similar horrible experience yourself. Thats really sad and I wish for no one to have to go through something like this. I'm thankful to know that I'm not alone here with your words of kindness.

This is something that has been hard for me to say to even my closest friends or relatives. But there's something about writing these things down on paper or on this website that gives me a little peace. And I'm grateful to all you fine people who are so supportive. Peace. Take Care
Jubeele (9 stories) (467 posts)
+1
1 month ago (2017-12-10)
Dear Ajay, I lost my father almost 14 years ago and I still remember the rawness of the pain. Like your father, he suffered a heart attack and flatlined 3 times on the way to the hospital. He lingered for 3 days before we had to let him go.

But I saw my father in a dream that very night he passed and I've dreamt of him a number of times over the years. I feel that these visits are to provide comfort and reassurance for me. Perhaps the dreams of your father are intended to comfort you too.

I've learned from having my share of loss that there are often no easy answers to such matters. My belief is that our journey through this earthly plane is to develop self-awareness, grow in grace and perhaps help others on the way when we can.

Rex-T has suggested that you seek advice from a trusted professional. If that is not your preference, then maybe a spiritual adviser or priest or religious leader that you're comfortable with. Even a support group supervised by a grief counsellor. But please do not feel you're alone in your grief.

If you feel you need a chat, Ajay, my email for YGS is on my profile page... Be well. ❤
Rex-T (3 stories) (107 posts)
+1
1 month ago (2017-12-10)
Ah Ajay, I'm so sorry to hear you are still hurting after all this time.

In my 60 years on this earth I've endured my father, oldest brother and mother passing. I will not say that 'I know how you feel'. You're the only one who truly knows. I commend your courage for posting this experience for us to read, something I could never do.

Lady-glow has 'said it all' in a lot less words than I could.

You know I still remember a quote from a confident guy not too long ago - "If it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger".

Keep believing that Ajay but remember that it is a sign of courage (not weakness) to seek advice from a trusted professional if you're feeling down.

Regards
Rex-T
lady-glow (9 stories) (1696 posts)
+1
1 month ago (2017-12-10)
Hi ajonverge.
I'm sorry for your losses. It is said that time heals almost everything, but the truth is that "time doesn't heal anything... It just teaches us how to live with the pain."

Have you tried any counseling or looked for medical help? As hard as it is to accept the passing of a loved one, it is important to move on and live our life to the fullest.

Personally, I think that your Father has already let you know that he is fine the first time you saw him, and in your dreams he is just reminding you that he is still around in a spiritual way. Do you think he likes to see you unhappy and depressed? I'm sure that he only wishes the best for you and the best way to honour his memory is by enjoying your life and your time in this plane.

I really enjoyed reading your sad experience and wish you the best.❤

Thanks for sharing.

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