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She Hugs Me


My mom passed away June 1, 2011. She died in a house fire; the newspapers deemed me a survivor of the fire because I lived there, but was not at home at the time of the fire.

Many traumatic things have happened since then. Babies have been born, cousins have died. I've been sick throughout my life. My mom was also abusive towards me. Now, as a disclaimer I must point out that she was severely mentally ill and we didn't know until I was almost 13. When she finally was diagnosed and got proper treatment and medication, she changed. She didn't hurt me anymore. I loved my mom, and I still do. As I said, I was sick throughout my life and each time I go to my doctor's office, I come home with a new medication or illness and each time my mom would hug me.

I was 26 when she died. I have since become disabled and my health is declining. You can attribute my experience to that if you'd like, but I know what I felt is real.

I woke up one morning, three months after my mom died, and I couldn't use my left leg. I was immediately distressed. I had been walking 8 miles a day, 3 days a week and to wake up and not be able to walk without assistance was devastating. After many appointments with my regular doctor and a neurologist, we still don't know what's wrong. I might never know.

I cried when I was told that there is no logical reason for this to be happening. It started a cycle of depression that I still have problems with that.

It's been almost 4 years since my mom died. Today, I was told I was having problems with my heart again. I was sitting in the exam room waiting for my doctor to let me know I could leave and I could smell my mom, and suddenly, that smell enveloped me and I felt her hugging me and I calmed down a bit. It lasted a few minutes, but once it stopped, the room smelled like rubbing alcohol again.

I have a teddy bear she bought me when I was 3 years old. She bought it for me the day she told me I was going to be a big sister. It's the only thing I have left that she gave me. I snuggle with it every night.

I love you mommy.

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The following comments are submitted by users of this site and are not official positions by Please read our guidelines and the previous posts before posting. The author, ashleylesley, has the following expectation about your feedback: I will read the comments and participate in the discussion.

WiniPu4 (207 posts)
9 years ago (2015-04-04)
Hi, Ashley:
The degenerative disc disease actually could account for the numbness/lameness symptoms in your leg; especially walking many miles often could have brought it to a head with gravity and the impact pulling the discs down and compressing them. Even a mild case can cause horrible symptoms in the legs. My case was severe from trauma, but everyone's nerves are different and each individual's symptoms can differ greatly. I went to many doctors, with incorrect diagnoses thinking I was crazy until I wound up in the ER having multiple surgeries. It could also be caused be other diseases, too long to list. Several of my relatives have diabetes, which can cause terrible neurological symptoms and lameness.
I was around your age was when I could start processing what had happened much earlier. It was indeed a process of fully understanding, forgiving, and letting go in order to move on unfettered.
It's just my belief that God gave me these experiences in order to learn certain spiritual and life lessons.
This belief helped me to move on from perceiving myself as a victim which in itself is a type of bondage. For me, forgiveness was the key to those chains and the weight of what I was carrying around.
I feel that all my experiences have been put to good use with helping my loved ones in their struggles.
If I had not experienced these things, I could not fully understand their physical, emotional, and spiritual pain and how to reach them or help.
Many of your life experiences are my own, minus a couple of decades so I do understand your path and feel you. You sound like a delightful, insightful, intuitive young woman. You looked past your own pain in order to fully understand your mother's actions, and you know that love is the key to overcoming past transgressions. Your life lessons, spiritual wisdom, love for others, and intuition will enable you to assist many during your life's journey.
May God bless you Ashley,
ashleylesley (6 stories) (13 posts)
9 years ago (2015-04-03)
[at] WiniPu4
He did, the only thing that was found was degenerative disc disease and after a nerve conduction test, a slight defect was found in the calf muscle of my left leg. My mom started getting better when I was 13, but the worst of the trauma had happened and things between us were strained at best, but I made sure she knew I loved her. Her last words to me were "I love you"... And I'm grateful for that.
WiniPu4 (207 posts)
9 years ago (2015-04-02)
Hello, Ashley:

I'm very sorry for your loss and wish I could help ease your suffering. Many of us have survived trauma, abuse, and many horrible things that life can dish out.
It can take a long time to heal from abuse compounded by trauma. Serious physical illnesses can be inflicted or worsened by past experiences.
I believe that your mother now fully understands your suffering, past and present and her role in it.
She sounds like she is trying to let you know that and making an effort to sooth your pain. It is sad that you did not get a chance to receive more of this from her in life since her time here was cut short. Try to take comfort in knowing that she loves you and is making an effort to connect with you and to help you heal.
I can tell you through personal experience that we can find ways to process, heal ourselves, and overcome "life on life's terms". As a disabled veteran, I'm wondering if your physician did an MRI on you. I had serious disc damage (that included acute leg symptoms) which was not discovered with x-rays or CT scans.
I wish you all the best; love, light, healing, and many blessings.
Tweed (35 stories) (2501 posts)
9 years ago (2015-04-02)

What a truly loving experience. This is such a beautiful, heartfelt tribute to your enduring mother. I can feel both of your struggles and the great love and bond you share through your words.

You truly speak from the heart and it's beautiful and so are you.
A big thank you for sharing this. Please take care and comfort in knowing you have your mothers strength. ❤
Sam222 (8 stories) (461 posts)
9 years ago (2015-04-02)
I'm sorry for what your going through, it's a good thing your mom is still there for you and probably watching over you right this moment.
notjustme (19 stories) (852 posts)
9 years ago (2015-04-01)
Gosh, I have don't know really what to say over the internet. I wish I could sit with you and have a very long chat. I don't want to say things that will make you feel sad or self pity (not saying you do), only because those words will cause a negative feeling our mind naturally produces to tune with. I want to instead give you a feeling of encouragement and love. I have found that through positivity and meditation, it can really boost one's health.

Have you ever read "The secret"? If you want to, I suggest starting with that, and researching into meditation. Not only do I believe it will help your health improve, but possibly even help you connect with your mother more too. Also, eating right is of course a bonus, but most important is try to be at a peaceful mind. Anything life serves us, is just that... Part of life's lessons. I too have been through some things that I used to ask "why?" but I read somewhere before and it said "Life happens FOR me, not TO me". I have since tried my best to accept everything as it comes. I know you have been through some real serious stuff, but we can continue everyday the best we can. These are just my own suggestions, but I mean well. Like I said, I really wish I could sit in a park with you on a very nice day and just send you some healing energy ❤. I hope you all the best and send you much love.
Perfecttime687 (6 stories) (9 posts)
9 years ago (2015-04-01)
It's seems like your mom's spirit was just trying to calm you down. Telling you it's ok.

Oh and look at this after April fools so it's doesn't look like I'm making fun of your mom:) Yourghoststories replaced words with clown and purple pants.

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