My mom passed away June 1, 2011. She died in a house fire; the newspapers deemed me a survivor of the fire because I lived there, but was not at home at the time of the fire.
Many traumatic things have happened since then. Babies have been born, cousins have died. I've been sick throughout my life. My mom was also abusive towards me. Now, as a disclaimer I must point out that she was severely mentally ill and we didn't know until I was almost 13. When she finally was diagnosed and got proper treatment and medication, she changed. She didn't hurt me anymore. I loved my mom, and I still do. As I said, I was sick throughout my life and each time I go to my doctor's office, I come home with a new medication or illness and each time my mom would hug me.
I was 26 when she died. I have since become disabled and my health is declining. You can attribute my experience to that if you'd like, but I know what I felt is real.
I woke up one morning, three months after my mom died, and I couldn't use my left leg. I was immediately distressed. I had been walking 8 miles a day, 3 days a week and to wake up and not be able to walk without assistance was devastating. After many appointments with my regular doctor and a neurologist, we still don't know what's wrong. I might never know.
I cried when I was told that there is no logical reason for this to be happening. It started a cycle of depression that I still have problems with that.
It's been almost 4 years since my mom died. Today, I was told I was having problems with my heart again. I was sitting in the exam room waiting for my doctor to let me know I could leave and I could smell my mom, and suddenly, that smell enveloped me and I felt her hugging me and I calmed down a bit. It lasted a few minutes, but once it stopped, the room smelled like rubbing alcohol again.
I have a teddy bear she bought me when I was 3 years old. She bought it for me the day she told me I was going to be a big sister. It's the only thing I have left that she gave me. I snuggle with it every night.
I love you mommy.