I think I need help, but I'm not sure.
I'm really not sure where else to turn to. I don't know much about spirits, but I do believe in them. No one else can help me. None of my friends have any real suggestions or answers for me either. I just need advice... Clarification maybe? I was honestly frightened to even put my story on blast for others to judge, but at this point I'm vulnerable for an answer.
Now I did read that dreams aren't really told here, but I need help. I'm not asking for an interpretation, but I'm afraid something has been trying to get to me. I hope this doesn't get taken down because my sleep paralysis has a contributing factor, but it's worth the shot...
I think it all started 7 years ago, I was 11. It was the very first time I had sleep paralysis. I kind of had a little bit of a rough childhood. My earliest memory I have is my father choking my mother out until she fell to the floor. By the age of 7, I was telling my mom to leave my dad. I was afraid of what he might do to her. Long story short, I grew up too fast. My mom finally split from my dad when I was 8. When I turned 11, she got back with him. I begged my mom not to go back to such a terrible man. I hated him, I cannot describe how much hate I had in my heart. When me and my mom moved back in with my dad, I experienced sleep paralysis for the first time.
At this time, I didn't know what sleep paralysis was. I slept on the couch when I was a child. I woke up in the middle of the night and got a disturbing feeling. I've never felt an emotion like this before. It was like... I wasn't alone? I could feel something watching me. All the lights were off, I looked into the kitchen and saw something crouching on the kitchen counters. My emotions turned to straight fear and shock. Ever since this night, I randomly get an emotional wave come over me like I'm not alone. This was also around the time I gave up on God.
Freshman year of high school, it was just me and my dad living together in a different house. Another long story short, my mom put me through hell when she split from my dad before high school started. Abuse, drugs, depression. High school was really when the experiences became weird for me.
I constantly had sleep paralysis. I would wake up and feel something around me, but I couldn't move. I would try to scream to myself to wake up. I had sleep paralysis so much that I got good at hiding my eyes. Every time I would wake up I would feel a presence and sometimes could see something in the corner of my eyes, so I would hide them as fast as my body would wake up so I couldn't look at it.
But as time goes by, my experiences just get worse.
At 16, I had sleep paralysis and felt something raping me. I had never had sex before, I had never done anything with anyone. I had no idea what THAT felt like, but that night I felt something inside of me. I didn't see it, but I could feel it. I can still feel that memory like it actually happened... This was the occasion that made me discover what sleep paralysis was.
After that, I just felt a stronger presence. I remember one night I was sitting up in bed and felt something touch my back. And I mean REALLY touch my back. The feeling was so real that it made me jump and gasp for breath. I turned around and there was nothing there. Around this time my sleep paralysis experiences just got stronger. I began having it every week, eventually every other day. It became not only just feeling a presence watching me in my room, but eventually I would feel it on top of me. I would feel pressure on me. I got to the point where I would stop breathing and when my body woke up I would have to gasp for air. I would cry every time I had sleep paralysis, I guess because of either not being able to breathe or fear, maybe both.
It eventually began to choke me. I could feel something around my neck and I couldn't breathe. One occasion I will never forget. I had sleep paralysis and felt a presence around me. I noticed something was going down my throat. I was choking and tried to move my body to pull it out, but I got to the point where I felt myself fainting. I felt my soul begin to leave my body, like I was dying. It was the weirdest, most calm feeling actually. It was like I could just feel my soul slowly fading away.
Every time I have sleep paralysis the presence just gets closer I think... After all these occasions, I got to the point where I started to believe this was actually SOMETHING real. I tried so hard for so long to believe it was just coincidences, but after so much you can't deny anymore. A couple months ago I hadn't had sleep paralysis in a week or two. I asked, "If there is something here, give me sleep paralysis tonight." That night I had the worse sleep paralysis. I woke up and felt the strongest presence I've ever felt. There was something on top of me putting so much pressure on my head. I can't describe the feeling, I'm actually shaking. It was like some current electricity running through my body and there was so much pressure on my head it truly felt like it was going to explode. There was so much pressure that I ended up passing out from it. I heard it trying to whisper to me, but I couldn't hear anything, all I heard was pressure. I didn't just feel pressure I heard the pressure in my head. Since this happened, when I have sleep paralysis I just feel so much pressure on my head that it makes me shake and I just hear pressure... I don't know if that makes any sense.
Ever since this, I believed all my experiences from before were connected together. I think it's been the same thing following me this whole time, but I don't know. I think I try to talk myself out of acknowledging this.
A few days ago, I felt a strange feeling throughout my day. Well, I went to my room and laid in bed. I have Christmas lights above my bed. I felt that weird feeling that I wasn't alone and then part of my Christmas lights that were right above me went out. After a few minutes, my cat started following something around the room. My cat looked everywhere in the room and eventually his eyes stopped right above my head and he didn't move anymore. My cat is the best in the world, I say his name and talk to him all the time and he talks back to me. I say, "Jiji," and he meows. He always pays attention to me. This time when I tried talking to him he would not move away. His eyes were locked there above me where the lights went out a few minutes before. I've had him do this with bugs before, but with bugs he would look away and talk to me. I would even pick him up so he could reach the bug. I looked right above me, I looked everywhere, and there was no bugs there. I had a really bad feeling in my chest, but I tried to block it out and tried to find a reason he was staring at that one spot and wouldn't move. I couldn't find any reason. I got up and went out of my room because I was so uncomfortable with a terrible feeling.
But after what happened to me last night, I'm not sure what to do. This part was not sleep paralysis, this was an actual dream I think. Now, I have bad sleep paralysis, but I rarely have bad dreams. I had multiple dreams I think, but they all connected. And I definitely don't have such weird dreams like this. It felt like I was AWAKE. The details were so real. It was kind of like I was in some slow motion dream. I was in my room and there were no lights on. I got out of bed and walked into the living room and saw a blanket hovering over the couch. I got a strange feeling that something wasn't right and looked back at the blanket and it was completely flat. I realized there was someone under there before, so I ran outside and felt it following me. It then automatically changed to me ending up in someone's basement and there was a boy in a destroyed room. He reached his hand out and I took it. I heard someone yell "DON'T TAKE HIS HAND THAT'S NOT THE REAL HIM." I looked over and the boy started screaming a scream that I've never heard before. It shook everything and a door opened to the real boy. The person told me to grab his hand so he could save me, but I couldn't let go of what was holding me.
I woke up last night and felt something with me. I just could feel whatever it was in there with me, I KNOW THAT FEELING. I couldn't go back to sleep for an hour. I call my boyfriend every single night that I go to sleep. Well I called him so I could feel someone else with me. I heard him say my name, "Blank." I said "what?" He didn't answer me. I automatically felt something strange. I heard him sleeping, but a little while later I heard him say my name again, "Blank." Again, I said "what?!" He didn't answer me. I knew, that wasn't him. It was in his voice, but it wasn't HIS VOICE. It sounded nothing like him. It didn't have his tone. It was monotone...quiet...emotionless...and completely awake. I know how my boyfriend sounds, I've been with him for five years. I know every single one of his voices and any tone he has ever had. That was not him. He would never just say my name and then not answer me back. He was asleep. Even if he woke up he wouldn't have sounded so awake like that. He doesn't even say my full name hardly, he says nicknames. I asked him today if he said my name and he said no.
I finally fell back asleep after a whole hour. Now this... I don't know what it was. A dream. Sleep paralysis. Awake. I don't know. I felt like I was awake. There was something hovering over me and whispering in my ear. I mean actually whispering, I could heard the whispering, but I couldn't make out what it was saying to me. I thought it was maybe another dream, but I don't remember waking up this morning after that.
I've had the worst day. I haven't felt tired in a long time. I mean, I wake up at 7:00 a.m. Even on my weekends, and I'm not tired. I'm an early person. But today, I've been the most tired I've been in probably a year. It's not just emotionally tired, it's physically tired. My body hurts. I've been shaken up all day, I've been feeling that feeling. When I think about what happened today I felt like I was going to pass out. I started to have anxiety a few hours ago and it just feels like the presence is just getting stronger. While typing this my T.V. Has been cutting out. There's NO BAD WEATHER. My T.V. Does not normally cut out like this. I've been seeing things out of the corner of my eye more than normally. I keep hearing thud sounds. I live in the country. My house is in the woods alone. There's not really thudding sounds like this. I mean, I feel presences, I've seen candles move uncontrollably without any wind on it, I've seen things in the corner of my eyes, I've had things move on me, I have weird occurrences with the number 13, but today it just feels out of control. And I feel like it has to do with last night.
The more time goes by the closer it gets I think. It started out in my sleep paralysis being far away from me, and as the years went by it just gotten closer and closer. I just feel like last night with the connecting (I guess) dreams, the overly emotional feelings, and hearing things when I'm awake is a sign that it's maybe getting worse. I mean, I've had these things happen to me over the years and I've tried to rationalize them, but I don't think this is normal. I don't feel like it's normal. I don't know what it is. I don't know how to rationalize this.