Let me just give a little background info for starters.
I'm an 18 year old girl, currently dealing with some heavy stuff. My Papa (grandfather) had passed away in '08 when I was 13. My father walked out on the family when I was just a few months old, so my Papa had basically raised me as his own little girl. He got sick when I was around 10 years old, and the illness he had caused a slow and painful death.
Now, I wouldn't call myself "religious" but I do like to think we go to a better place when we die and that the people who passed on watch over the people they left behind. I also believe in good and bad forces as well like guardian angels and demons that follow us through life. Anyway, this past December I was gang raped which is a terrifying, traumatic thing to survive. But I'd been devastated thinking that my Papa (who I believe watches over me) had seen the whole thing. And since then I've been diagnosed as PTSD, sometimes the symptoms include occasional panic attacks and sometimes seeing the attack over and over.
But, here's the thing. Some things that have been happening lately don't feel associated with the PTSD. Like, things that I'm afraid might be coming from a much darker place. Now, I don't really know much about demons and what could cause them to follow people. I thought maybe because technically -even though it was forced- I'd had sex. And maybe in some way that was wrong or that the men who'd did it to me were evil that maybe some dark force has latched onto me.
Lately, maybe the passed month or so I've been having trouble getting to sleep (another symptom of PTSD), but at first it was just on account of having a lot of busy thoughts, like just worrying over a bunch of little trivial things. I could easily focus on one thing and relax myself enough to sleep. Now though, I'm literally afraid to close my eyes. Every night I see myself waking up the next morning to find my brother dead, smothered in his sleep. I see my Papa's dead face and I hold his cold hand. I worry constantly that there's somebody or SOMETHING in my house. It lurks the hallways and I can practically feel its presence, like its waiting to make a move. I'm hyper-vigilant at nighttime. I started saying "God bless you and God bless everybody" when I say goodnight to my mom and brother, which is weird because like I said I'm not super religious. I say it almost like a chant of protection.
Lats night however, things took and awful turn. I couldn't turn off the TV at 11 like I usually do, so I tried to sleep with it on but I just couldn't. I put on a movie that I like as a way to comfort myself because by now this feeling that something was in the room was leaving my terrified. I had my back pressed to the wall as I tried to find a comfortable position and all of a sudden I sat right up and began crying hysterically and uncontrollably out of nowhere. I had to cover my face with my blankets so I wouldn't wake up the whole house. In a flash this huge shadow from the floor to ceiling went from one side of the room to the other and in my head all these images appeared. My Papa's dead face after he'd died, my mother going to wake my brother up for school and finding him dead, me with black eyes, me crying over my Papa's body, me being choked and held down in that basement where the rape occurred. I cried until almost 3'am and eventually dug out my old softball bat from under the bed to sleep with it.
I have no idea what had happened. What got to me most was the crying. I cried for almost three hours straight and I never cry like that, in fact I've never cried like that in my life. I do cry sometimes, like when I have a PTSD flashback. But it usually lasts a good ten minutes or so, and all I have to do is a couple of my breathing exercises and I'm good. This, was THREE HOURS, and I literally couldn't stop.
I'm literally lost as to what's happening because a lot of these things aren't like my usual symptoms at all. I hate this feeling of being watched and followed because its gone from comforting to leaving me paranoid and not wanting to be alone.
Does anybody have any idea, either of demons or bad omens or whatever may be causing this? Even just some words of comfort or advice on how to protect/comfort myself. I'm thinking of getting a rosary or something to wear around my neck. What do you think? Any and all ideas and opinions are greatly appreciated.