I apologise in advance for the potential length of this but I would love to hear opinions from others who've had experiences. I'm tired of being afraid.
From as young as I can remember, I've had experiences which I can't fully explain. I had a rough childhood, growing up with an alcoholic mother. She had many of her own ghost stories, from a man in a hat who showed up in her bedroom when she was a child, to being sucked into a cupboard in the bedroom, while sleeping (as an adult), by what she felt was an evil spirit.
My first 'encounter' was as a teenager, when I had the bedroom that my mum was sleeping in, the night she was drawn into that cupboard. The room often felt uncomfortable, as though I was being watched. Particularly from the corner of the room where the cupboard was located. I put it down to my imagination. I was strong willed and generally quite fearless at that age, so when I felt those uncomfortable sensations, I'd tell them where to go and distract myself.
They continued though and eventually developed into a strange thing, where occasionally I'd see a red dot of light on my ceiling above my bed. I felt like it was watching me. It often vanished reasonably quickly. Still, fearless and bloody minded me was determined this light was from something electronic. I spent ages trying to figure out what, just to prove to that voice in my head, saying it was watching me, that it was wrong. I never did find the source. It was a tiny bedroom, back in the 90's so no laptops or anything.
There were many small awarenesses that I'd had over the years following but that I easily dismissed them as my imagination. Then in 2008 I moved into a really old building in a historic and religious location in England. I don't want to give the name because it will also give my identity as we were well known in the area. That's when things started to really change and I had some of my biggest experiences, including my most frightening.
This building was over three floors, including a cellar. I was in the cellar one day, while my partner at the time and my young son were upstairs sleeping. I heard footsteps as clear as anything going down the stairs and across the wooden floorboards. I assumed my partner had woken up and was wondering where I was, so I went up to find him. I looked around but couldn't see him. The doors were locked so I knew nobody else came in. I went upstairs, assuming he'd gone back up but when I got there, he and my son were still fast asleep.
The stairs were a common and not at all frightening occurrence. I'd often hear someone coming up them and go to see who was there but there would be nobody.
The frightening part developed along side my deteriorating mental health, which is why I still don't entirely trust my own experience, no matter how real it seemed. My ex partner was controlling and emotionally abusive. I ended up by feeling so trapped, depressed and worthless. I also started to feel more and more like something or someone was watching me. The presence in particular felt strong in a bedroom at the far end of the house, where I slept. Oddly, looking out of the window in that room at night on a couple of occasions, I also felt like there was something down there, watching me and in my minds eye it had red eyes. I dismissed it as my fear and imagination because I knew I wasn't really seeing it.
Along side this I should add, I felt the same strong dislike for a shed area behind a wall at this house. Like that same red eyed person, extremely menacing was there, but only at night. It was due to the fact that it was only at night, that I convinced myself that this was also my imagination. One night I had to take my son to hospital. He was prone to serious breathing problems. I remember being terrified as I took him to the car, feeling really threatened, as though something was about to come out from that area after us. I drove as fast as I could, without looking back. Oddly I felt that whoever this was, was on horseback? Does that sound crazy?
The most frightening experience here though was one night when my ex partner had decided to go night fishing. I was sleeping in the room that I'd described as the one where I felt the presence, with my two young sons. My ex and I didn't even share a room at that point. It was about midnight and the fire alarm went off. This is a building we worked from too, so the fire alarm was a big, industrial bell, located directly outside the room where we slept, with a box at the bottom of the stairs to put in the codes and show you the zone of the fire.
I woke up, heart racing and terrified. My kids barely stirred. I quickly checked the box with the zones, seeing it said downstairs. I felt a strong sense of fear, something telling me not to go through but I quickly checked anyway and there was no fire. I checked the whole terrifying building but there was no fire, no smoke, nothing! Then I went to put in the code to reset the alarm and turn it off but it wouldn't work. I tried over and over but the alarm wouldn't stop.
I ran upstairs to call my ex but the line was dead. I check the phone, only to find it had been pulled out of the wall. After what seemed like forever, we got someone else in the village to come and they managed to get the alarm to stop. The next day a company came out to check for faults but couldn't find any. They said it could have been dust or a spider but again, they couldn't say because the alarms had all been serviced only weeks earlier.
This thing which I was sure was there, ramped up its efforts to frighten me. I felt it almost constantly. I eventually phoned a psychic I had found on the internet, to ask for advice but she just said it was my dead father. He was apparently standing there in a dark suit with a bunch of white flowers for me. I knew that was nonsense. Even if my dad was around, this certainly wasn't him. I felt sure of that. Eventually I read that these entities feed on fear and that if I stop feeding it with fear and tell it to leave me, it will. Sure enough that worked and I also soon began feeling well enough mentally to formulate a plan to leave my ex.
Following that, the only spooky experience that stood out was the death of my beloved grandmother. She was unwell but I thought, as did she that it was a virus she'd picked up. The night she died, I went to bed and as I lay there, her voice was in my head as clear as anything, mockingly telling me off for something I'd told her I'd done, which I hadn't. She told me she had died, she was ok and to take care of my boys. I wanted to phone her to check she was ok but I told myself I was being silly and she wouldn't appreciate a call at this time, knowing she wasn't feeling well.
The next morning I still put off calling her, telling myself I would let her rest but I got a call mid morning from my mother, who simply said 'she's gone'.
So that brings me to the reason I'm posting this and why I'm seeking advice and opinions.
About six months ago, I lost my mother to cancer. I can't say I've felt anything so vivid as I did was my grandmother. My grandmother's visit had a certainty that I couldn't dismiss. I started to wonder whether I just don't have any ability and my good experiences were a fluke, while my bad were manifestations of my depressed mental state. I've tried meditation and constantly asking but nothing really.
Then last night, it was around 11pm and I was starting to think about going to bed. I had headphones in and I was in a happy mood, listening to music, when something made me jump out of my skin. I looked and I felt sure something had moved my door. I removed my headphones, wondering whether I had an intruder. Nothing. Then I thought I saw a red light, or orb right at the edge of the door, near the bottom. My eyesight isn't great now but I looked away and looked again and it was still there. I couldn't work out whether I was imagining things but eventually I couldn't see it anymore. Then I felt a strong presence beside me. My heart was still racing. I was still afraid. I felt cold down one side of my body (this feeling also happened days earlier when asking to feel my mum's presence). It was like cold air, but not a breeze. Freezing air almost, maybe like if someone held a bag of frozen peas near your skin but not quite touching. Then I felt the presence move around me. It went behind me and to the other side, although the one side still remained cold.
I remembered to not fear it and as I let go of the fear, it started to go. Once there was no fear, I also felt no presence.
So the question is, am I imagining this and if not, why does it keep happening? What do they want with me and why at night? I don't think I would be afraid at all in the day time but I feel like at night, I'm much less prepared and disarmed.
Thanks in advance and sorry again for the length of this.
I believe now completely that it was my grandmother who visited when she died and I think her mocking me was more of a joke. I don't think I was supposed to be upset by it. Overall her visit seemed calm and the way she spoke was oddly normal. Like a see you soon kind of goodbye more than some super emotional goodbye forever. I hope that makes sense.
With the darker stuff, I was concerned that whatever this was fed off my fear and negative feelings. I suppose I had a feeling that it's main objective was to bring me further down.
As for the person on horseback, the place we were living is historically significant and like most places of that nature, has a history both good and bloody. A menacing person on horseback, coming out from behind that exact wall would probably fit perfectly with a residual haunting. I was living there with my ex. It's a strange place which is supposed to be positive and people flock to see it but it always felt so dark and negative to me.