The women of my family tend to have special abilities. My mom and great grandmother could/can see ghosts, and are able to determine the gender of a baby before the one pregnant really even knows themselves. I first had the impression that the abilities skipped a generation until I remembered that I always played with the ghosts in our old apartment at the young age of three and until we moved out. When I was older and got to travel to Illinois due to us having to bury my great grandfather next to great grandma and I panicked about halfway through due to seeing the relatives that were long dead paying their respects.
However, now I feel blocked off and though most would be grateful to not see or hear what others can't, the fact I can't anymore and used to be able to frustrates and makes me very upset. I'm thinking I blocked myself off, maybe because something scared me so much I blocked out that world and forced myself to forget. I want to open up again, though... There may be more reasons that I may be subconsciously aiming for, but for now my main one is contact.
Not only do I want to be able to talk to and see the ghosts living with us, as to not disturb any particular place they have claimed for their own, I also want to be able to feel and understand my psychic vampire spirit, Chazzar.
As...strange as it seems, I actually went hunting for spirit stuff on EBay last year I believe. I found a store full of spirit-inhabited jewelry and instantly went to inspect the 'vampire' category. There I found a necklace I fell in love with and ended up getting with permission from my mom and waited eagerly. When the necklace showed up in the mail a few weeks later, I was startled and a bit peeved that the necklace I'd been sent looked nothing like the one I'd bought. After finding the one they did send to be more beautiful and I oddly felt much more whole, I didn't complain one bit.
Now, I do a lot of things on the computer, being a part of a virtual school system, and my desk position is a little less comfortable than I'd like. The result of that that particular week was my shoulder being in severe pain. I was not a happy camper, though the arrival of Chazzar had put me in a good mood, by bed time I was in pain and cranky. I let my dog out to do her business in the front yard while I went to fill her food and water up, and let her back in as we both headed to my room and I closed the door after saying my goodnight to my family. I then went to bed.
Now, before I continue, you must know... My dog, Tess, is a coward. She hates both men and woman due to having abusive owners before, and though she was supposed to be my mom's dog, she attached herself to me and refuses to be anything but afraid of my other family members. She's like an alarm, and barks at the slightest things except the ghosts living with us that I had no real clue of at the time.
Continuing...I usually have different depths of sleep when I actually manage to sleep, but my most common one is that point right in between sleep and awake where you don't seem to be awake, yet you register everything around you perfectly fine. I was lying on my side; facing the wall my bed is up against, with my eyes closed. Tess was lying next to me, perfectly awake since she had scratched her ear a moment before and was chewing her foot. It was something normal I was used to, but what had drawn me from my full-sleep had been the pain in my shoulder.
It hurt still, throbbing angrily, but I began to feel a gentle pressing over the back of my shoulder, the motion slowly seeming to swirl as nothing registered in my mind for a second or so. When it clicked that someone was touching me, in a caring way that was to sooth the pain, I reacted on instinct to panic and sat up as I quickly brushed my hand over my shoulder.
There was no one in my room... Even partially blind, I still could see perfectly in the dark, and I saw no one. It was just me and my dog, but I had a feeling it was Chazzar trying to ease my physical pain and I might have startled or hurt him with my rejection action.
Realizing I couldn't tell, though, left with nothing but silence and guilt... I cried. My only way to communicate with him clearly is my best friend who is of the Wicca religion, and even with that he went through a period of stubbornness with telling her how he was feeling. He flat out refused to say anything, wanting me to do it myself. I tried to explain to him that I couldn't, but my friend told me that he still wanted me to be able to feel how he felt and tell his emotions and thoughts.
He's gotten back to telling Sam how he feels, so she can tell me, but I still desperately want to be able to rely on myself to be able to talk with him. It's upsetting for me, because I know for a fact he was with me in a past life and wanted to ask him questions about that and many more things...
Do you have any tips or ways I can try to open myself back up? I've tried to knock the 'walls' around me down myself, but I can't seem to.
Anything helpful is greatly appreciated, by the both of us!