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Am I Seeing My Brother?


Earlier this year I received a call from my sister telling me Luis, our brother, had passed away. Luis had been sick for a while; he was getting dialysis a couple of times per week so I believe he had kidney problems. He passed away in January 2018, he would have been 51 in April, when he was younger he use to drink a lot and I heard rumors that he had dabbled in some drug use.

I had not talked to my brother in a long time, even though he lived just a few minutes from me. I was upset with him because when our father was ill, Luis never came to visit him. My dad would always worry about Luis, would constantly ask if he had called or come over while he was sleeping. When they would speak on the phone, Luis always promised to visit but he never did. At my dad's funeral, of all my siblings, Luis seemed the most affected. I have always thought it was remorse for not going to see my dad when he was alive. I was very resentful towards him and when I found out he was sick I never went to visit.

At my brother's viewing, I did not approach his casket, not because I was still mad, but because I was told that he did not look anything like him. He had lost a lot of weight and looked older than his 50 years. I wanted to remember him as he was when he was healthy.

I start work quite early, so it is still dark when I leave my house and drive to work. There has been a few times when I drive by a church that is on my way to work and standing there, waiting for the bus, is this man that looks exactly like my brother. He's tall like my brother and stands like him (if that makes sense), he's always smoking a cigarette and is wearing the same clothes my brother use to wear. When I drive by him, he turns and looks at me even though it's dark out. He looks like my brother did when he was younger. Sometimes I turn and look at him too, other times I'm looking straight ahead but can still feel him looking at me.

I have told myself that this is just someone that looks like him, but besides the resemblance, there a "feeling" I get. It's like my mind and heart recognize him. Then there's this other thing, every time I see him I cry the rest of the drive to work. Then at night, as I'm falling asleep, I feel someone touches me and/or sits on my bed and is looking at me.

I have not told my mother any of this, I do not want to upset her. I already know what she is going to tell me, "pray for him, tell him you forgive him that everything is okay and he should rest in peace". I have done this a few times, I stop seeing and feeling him for a while then it happens again. Oh, I forgot to mention that I also dream of him a lot.

It breaks my heart to think that he feels there is some unfinished "business" between us and that his soul is not at peace. Anyone have any recommendations or advise on how to help him move on?

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The following comments are submitted by users of this site and are not official positions by Please read our guidelines and the previous posts before posting. The author, Haven, has the following expectation about your feedback: I will participate in the discussion and I need help with what I have experienced.

Haven (20 stories) (307 posts)
6 years ago (2018-09-18)
Hi Realistic,

Thanks you for sharing your experience about your grandmother. I will follow your advise and talk to him again. I have talked to him and told him I forgive him, I have also asked him to forgive me. After reading all the posts here I realize that maybe I haven't forgiven myself and somehow it's me still holding on to him? I have to work on that, I want him to be at peace but part of me is still working on letting him go.
Haven (20 stories) (307 posts)
6 years ago (2018-09-18)

Thank you for your comments. I do feel he's trying to give me a message. I hope that where ever he is he is at peace.
Realistic (7 stories) (44 posts)
6 years ago (2018-09-18)

I had a similar experience with my grandmother.

An extremely headstrong and proud woman, we had some major differences and had fallen out, avoiding even speaking to one another.

When she died, I was not aware of it, and was living in a different continent altogether. I felt a presence at night when I woke up to go to the bathroom. And she kept following me around for years.

Later, a psychic told me she was sorry for everything and was asking for my forgiveness (she did that in her deathbed, asking for forgiveness to my Dad).

So what I did was, I did a religious purification for her, and from my heart, I told her that I forgave her. I asked her to move on and be happy. I never saw her or even felt her presence after that.

My Mom told me, for a soul to find peace even after they had moved on, I needed to speak good of them. I followed her advice, and for years, I only spoke of her positive actions. I didn't speak ill of her. I always left the room when people were bad mouthing her.

What I did was according to my religion. Maybe, you could try something similar, whatever you are comfortable with.
Sleeping-with-steve (guest)
6 years ago (2018-09-18)
Hello Haven,

I'm so sorry for your sorrow.

I'm sure he feels your forgiveness and probably comes to visit you to relay that message.

Talk to him like he's still alive. Tell him you forgive him and let him know you know he forgives you. Then tell him to go to the light.

Light a candle indicating he's welcome anytime, but first go to the other realm and find peace.

May his soul rest in peace.

😘 ❤ 😘
CuriousDee (8 stories) (631 posts)
6 years ago (2018-09-17)

My condolences on the loss of your brother. You have gotten some great advice. I don't have much to add, just a thought... Your brother might not be the one with unfinished business, it could be you. Whether you feel grief, guilt, anger, etc, these feelings might be holding you back from truly accepting his loss and forgiveness. Forgiving your brother and yourself.

I'm sure your brother is still with you. Thanks for sharing ❤
Haven (20 stories) (307 posts)
6 years ago (2018-09-17)
Thank you, BeautInside

Yes, I have forgiven him, I hold no grudges. My only regret is that I couldn't tell him when he was alive. I hope he knows that I love and miss him.
Haven (20 stories) (307 posts)
6 years ago (2018-09-17)
Hi Apo -

Your friend is 100% correct. I was told by family members that Luis just couldn't deal seeing our father ill. I saw Luis suffer through the funeral process, more so than the rest of the family, and a tiny, mean, part of me was even glad, if I'm honest. I thought he was selfish and even cowardly that he wouldn't give our father just a tiny bit of happiness when he needed it the most, just so he wouldn't feel bad himself.

Part of me still regrets not going to see him when I knew he was sick, but I feel that I have told him everything I needed to say. As much as I would like to see him again, I feel that if I do it would mean his soul is not at peace.

Thank you for your kind words.
Haven (20 stories) (307 posts)
6 years ago (2018-09-17)
Melda - thank you for your comments. Yes, I have forgiven him for not visiting our father, I even understand why he didn't. I have prayed for him, and even talked to him and have told him I forgive him, but there is this feeling like there hasn't been closure. Don't know what else to do to be honest. Maybe it is me that I have to forgive, even though I justify my actions by telling myself I did not know that he was going to die. I thought we had more time and that eventually we would meet and either talk it out or just hug and carry on as if nothing happened.
Haven (20 stories) (307 posts)
6 years ago (2018-09-17)
RCRuskin -

Thank you, the advise you were given is very wise.
BeautInside (3 stories) (326 posts)
6 years ago (2018-09-16)
Hi Haven,

My deep condolences. ❤

You have already been given good advice, you need to forgive yourself. We are humans, we don't know what's ahead and I get the feeling (might be wrong) that didn't know his time would come so fast.

You forgave him, and to me forgiviness is a gift. Especially when we can forgive others and ourselves.

It seems to me, your brother was in denial about your father's situation, perhaps that is why he kept his distance. But at the end he couldn't distance himself from suffering.

If you feel him around try talking to him as if he was phisycally there, about good memories you have of him (from your childhood for instance), show him you really forgave him. The past is in the past. Perhaps it will help...

Take care. ❤
Aporetic (5 stories) (125 posts)
6 years ago (2018-09-16)
Greetings, Haven

My condolences to you and your family with the passing of your brother and father.

I recently had a talk with a friend about my only brother's seemingly lack of interest in my mother's health, and she told me (as was the experience with her brother):

"He can't deal with your mother's mortality. He's the one who's going to feel it the most when she passes - I saw it with my own brother. He recently visited me and said he feels like a lost soul without our mother and finds no reason to live. It broke my heart to see him so defeated."

Yes, I'm angry and resentful towards my brother for leaving his siblings (three females) to care for our mother, while he seems to be going along his merry way, and despite what my friend told me, which makes sense, I still feel intense, almost hatred, toward him for appearing so uncaring. I hope it does not take my mother's passing to mend the broken bridge between us.

Hope that puts some perspective on your brother's behaviour.

I respect you for forgiving him, and more so yourself. I find it is much more difficult to forgive oneself.

Whomever the man who looks like your brother is, I feel he's looking out for you (especially since it's still dark when you set off to work), but it's sweet that that is how you remember him and chose to remember him.

Take good care of yourself.

With warm regards
Melda (10 stories) (1363 posts)
6 years ago (2018-09-15)
Haven - My condolences on the passing of your brother. Although you broke contact with him a long time before his death due to the resentment you felt, I'm pleased that you have now forgiven him and wish him peace.

I'm sure your dad was hurt by Luis's absence but did he feel resentment and would he have been unforgiving? Probably not. Also, you don't know why Luis didn't visit your dad. It might not have been plain disinterest, it might have gone far deeper than that. Perhaps he couldn't bear to see your father weak and ill. We mortals can at times display some behavioural patterns which others find difficult to understand.

The presence that you feel could be anybody. It could be your brother, your father or a caring spirit trying to help you cope with the situation.

I also often see people who were close to me in life in my dreams. Sometimes I think they are only dreams but at other times I believe that they actually contact me in my dreams.

You have been given good advice - you need to forgive yourself. I for one have no doubt that your brother bears you no grudges.

Regards, Melda
RCRuskin (9 stories) (835 posts)
6 years ago (2018-09-15)
Whether your experience is ghostly or not, this experience reminds me of some important advice someone gave me once:

You must not only forgive others. You must also forgive yourself.

The person waiting for the bus is, imo, just someone who looks like your brother. The other experiences are either personal reminisces or a ghost of some kind.

May your father's and brother's Memories be eternal.

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