Earlier this year I received a call from my sister telling me Luis, our brother, had passed away. Luis had been sick for a while; he was getting dialysis a couple of times per week so I believe he had kidney problems. He passed away in January 2018, he would have been 51 in April, when he was younger he use to drink a lot and I heard rumors that he had dabbled in some drug use.
I had not talked to my brother in a long time, even though he lived just a few minutes from me. I was upset with him because when our father was ill, Luis never came to visit him. My dad would always worry about Luis, would constantly ask if he had called or come over while he was sleeping. When they would speak on the phone, Luis always promised to visit but he never did. At my dad's funeral, of all my siblings, Luis seemed the most affected. I have always thought it was remorse for not going to see my dad when he was alive. I was very resentful towards him and when I found out he was sick I never went to visit.
At my brother's viewing, I did not approach his casket, not because I was still mad, but because I was told that he did not look anything like him. He had lost a lot of weight and looked older than his 50 years. I wanted to remember him as he was when he was healthy.
I start work quite early, so it is still dark when I leave my house and drive to work. There has been a few times when I drive by a church that is on my way to work and standing there, waiting for the bus, is this man that looks exactly like my brother. He's tall like my brother and stands like him (if that makes sense), he's always smoking a cigarette and is wearing the same clothes my brother use to wear. When I drive by him, he turns and looks at me even though it's dark out. He looks like my brother did when he was younger. Sometimes I turn and look at him too, other times I'm looking straight ahead but can still feel him looking at me.
I have told myself that this is just someone that looks like him, but besides the resemblance, there a "feeling" I get. It's like my mind and heart recognize him. Then there's this other thing, every time I see him I cry the rest of the drive to work. Then at night, as I'm falling asleep, I feel someone touches me and/or sits on my bed and is looking at me.
I have not told my mother any of this, I do not want to upset her. I already know what she is going to tell me, "pray for him, tell him you forgive him that everything is okay and he should rest in peace". I have done this a few times, I stop seeing and feeling him for a while then it happens again. Oh, I forgot to mention that I also dream of him a lot.
It breaks my heart to think that he feels there is some unfinished "business" between us and that his soul is not at peace. Anyone have any recommendations or advise on how to help him move on?